How to Express Anger Without Being Called a Bitch (Part 1)

By Priscilla Wainwright

This is really a tough task for many of us for 2 basic reasons.

1.  Men typically have two internal negative responses to female anger.  They may feel, and maybe express, one or both of these:

       A.  They instantly become defensive (remember, the average guy fears women's anger.)

       B.  They don't take our anger seriously (which stems from fear and from seeing women as 

             "lesser".)

2.  If we have been angry frequently, we may be already seen as a "bitch". This label defines our character, the kind of person we are. If that's how our man sees us, he will go into defensive mode, or retaliate, at the slightest sniff of our anger.

So, sisters, if either of these reasons are true in your case, you have an uphill battle. However, there is hope.  

If you want to see change, you must change your tactics.  Here are some things to do that can help.

1.  Choose your battles.

So many women address every little thing that bugs them.  Remember, when women are stressed, our natural tendency is to talk.  That can sometimes get us into trouble.

Stop before reacting and assess the situation.  Is it severe, or just a minor frustration in the big scheme of things?  If it's the latter, while it may be hard to do, it may be best to blow it off and let it go. Save your anger for situations that really need to be discussed.

2.  Separate Impulse from Action

Don't go off half-cocked.  Take a few deep breaths, let yourself calm down and try to look at the situation realistically from all angles.  Give yourself time to assess it and think up a useful rather than a destructive response.

   

      (Sidebar:  1. Anger is a "secondary emotion". It has triggers: usually feelings of being hurt, betrayal, or being out of control. 2. The purpose of anger is to problem-solve, not punish.  Solve the root trigger and the anger goes away (unless you hang onto it.) Punish, and you make everything worse and harder to solve next time.)

3.  Explore your root feelings.

What are you feeling that led to your feeling angry? If hurt, about what and why?  Betrayed?  Not taken seriously? Ignored?  Disrespected?  Overlooked?  Like you don't count?

Identify your root feelings as clearly as you can. You will need to discuss them later.

4. Don't necessarily take it personally.

This may be hard to hear, sister, but it's not always about you.

The female brain is all about relationship. It's how we're made. Our brains naturally zero in on relationship cues in every interaction we have. We are constantly "taking the temperature" of our relationship as our interaction is occurring. If we sense that some thing is wrong, we can quickly jump to the conclusion that the other person has a problem with us or doesn't like us.

Just because our brains take us there as what I call a"brain default position", doesn't make that feeling or perception true. If women have a difficulty, it's that we frequently overpersonalize.

Try to step out of the situation that triggered your anger.  Try to be objective. was he doing the problem behavior to get back at, or to hurt, or to upset you?  was it really directed at you as a personal attack, or was it just careless, a slip-up, or something unintentional?

Clearly if it were meant to be a personal affront, a response is in order.  If his behavior falls into the "slip-up" or "unintentional category, your response, if any, will be different.  If you're feeling repeatedly overlooked or ignored, a discussion of your relationship is in order, but at a more opportune time when you both are quiet and have time.

5.  Understand "Guy-Think"

Girls are about "Relationship", guys are about "Action in the world".  They focus on doing. When they see a problem, they want to fix it. When guys act, they focus intently on the doing. Their focus narrows and they can be oblivious to what is going on around them.  Say he's working on the car all Saturday afternoon. Time flies and he's unaware.  He's thinking about the car. His mind isn't anywhere near playing with the kids or helping you with the laundry.  That's the way guys tend to think.  He's not necessarily intentionally ignoring you or the kids.

Guys care about relationships very much, but don't think about them in the same way that we do.  Unless, something is clearly going wrong in an interaction, men assume everything is OK and don't think about the relationship at all!

So... women can easily overpersonalize what goes on in an interaction. Men tend to underestimate the impact of their behavior on the relationship.  As I tell my clients, "Men are relatively unaware that the jet they're flying leaves a vapor trail."

So... he may not be ignoring you or caring less about you. He just may be thinking like a guy. So, if that's the case, he needs to understand you and his action's effect on you, not get a tongue lashing.

Bottom line:  Before responding, think these things through. To the best of your ability, determine what is really going on. Then and only then can you determine an effective response.

If you choose to respond, do it in a helpful way, in a manner that can heal and minimize hurt. That's where we'll go in tomorrow's blog.

Have a blessed day.