By: Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.
Denise* is
always saying she is sorry over the tiniest things; like when passing another
person in close quarters in a crowded mall, even if she didn’t brush them in
passing. One day her boyfriend called
her on it: “Stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ all
the time. You say it so often that I
never know when you really mean it.”
It’s
funny…..it seems that saying “I’m sorry” is programmed into the female
DNA. It seems as if the first words we
learn are “Mama”, “Dada”, and “I’m sorry”.
Like most
women of her generation, my mother was big on pleasing and the social
graces. Take that back. “Huge” on these things would be a better
word. She would always remind me, “Good
girls always say ‘I’m sorry’ when they make a mistake”. When I would really
goof, I’d get, “Priscilla Angelica! Good
girls…..” with a sharp rise in her voice on the final “A” and a strong emphasis on “good”.
“Excuse me”
was another biggie. Know what? As I think about it, a lot of us girls
often use “I’m sorry” to mean “Excuse me”.
Here’s
another observation. I don’t know if
this is a proven fact or not, but it seems to me that women tend to say “I’m
sorry” more to men than we do to other women in the same circumstances. Does that ring true in your experience,
girlfriend?
It seems that
the female of the species over-apologizes.
Likewise, in conversation, we sound more tentative to men. We frequently lead off sentences with speech
qualifiers such as “I think…” or “Perhaps…” or “It seems to me…..”. Men typically state their thought
directly. In conversation with other
women, we take it for granted and don’t think about it. Likewise, men are more likely to interrupt
another speaker whereas women typically will wait ‘til the other speaker is
finished before throwing in her two cents.
All of this
makes us look less certain, and therefore, often less capable to the other
gender. If we seem to be getting a bit
less respect from the men in our lives, or treated less than equal, could it be
that our speech patterns are contributing to that outcome?
Does any of
this fit your experience?
Don’t get
me wrong. The human female has always
played up to the human male. We’ve been
doing it since Eve strapped on a sexy fig leaf to entice Adam. That’s also in our DNA, and, Honey, it ain’t
gonna change. Besides harmless flirting
is fun. I don’t wanna stop, do you?
Yet, I
think there’s a difference between being seen as attractive and being seen as
fragile, weaker, or less than. One does
not imply the other, but over the eons,
women – especially those raised to be “good girls” – have confused the two.
It’s really
bogus to do or say things to make ourselves attractive or well-liked that
ultimately diminish our self-respect.
After all, without thinking about it, we subconsciously train others how to treat us through what we
say and do. No one is going to respect
us more than we respect ourselves.
Interestingly,
it seems that men are changing their desires, too. More and more, they seem to want a girl to
be a partner, to do things with them rather than sit on the sidelines adoring
them.
Okay,
Tigress. It’s time to clean up our
collective act. If we want more respect
and be seen as equals, we need to do 2 things:
(a) Speak up and demand respect.
Call ‘em out on it when they treat you less than equal. Don’t belittle them, but tell them kindly
but firmly what you expect. And (b) Act
assertively and with confidence. Act as
if (and believe) you deserve the respect you desire. Again, firm but kind. Spewing any pent up anger won’t do it. After all, we’re talking about releasing
your Inner Tigress, not your Inner Bitch!
For many of
us girls, this boils down to a self-esteem issue, and many of us have suffered
in this area. We think less of ourselves
than we ought to think. We don’t give
ourselves enough credit. We doubt our
basic worth. How we got this way is the
stuff of other books and articles.
Can’t go into that here.
But, if we want more respect, we need to act as if we deserve
respect. If we want to raise our
self-esteem, it’s not enough just to start thinking differently; we must act
more forthrightly, stating openly our expectations and desires as appropriate. Lasting improvement in self-image will only
occur when we start acting like we take
ourselves seriously, and seeing improved results.
Go for it,
Tigress. You can do it. You are much more capable and powerful than
you have been trained – or given yourself permission – to think. It may be tough in the beginning, but the
first step is always the hardest.
And
remember, too, that I and the rest of your Tigress Sisters are behind you
110%. Any step you take for yourself in
this regard is a step taken for all womanhood.
That’s the
way it is. You can do this. Stop apologizing
unnecessarily. Respect yourself as the
Queen Bee you were meant to be.
If this is
making you uncomfortable, recognize that this reaction is normal. Standing up for yourself is tough at the
outset, but you’ll feel so liberated once you begin.
If I’ve
made you uneasy, I’m sorry.
NO, I’m NOT
!
Rise Up and
Roar!!!!
·
- Name changed
