By Priscilla Wainwright
Yesterday, we talked about
“preparation” issues. Today, let’s
tackle the interaction itself.
Here are a
few ground-rules that will help keep things calm.
1. Do your best
to avoid having the discussion while either you or he is doing something
else. You want a discussion and
undivided attention. You might say
something like, “There’s something on my mind I’d like to share with you. Can we chat a couple of minutes?”
If he’s not
willing, at that moment, then make an “appointment” to discuss it later. This gives you some prep time. Not so bad, actually.
2. Stay
seated. It’s harder to launch an
attack from a seated position. The
conversation is a bit more likely to remain calmer.
3. Maintain
your normal tone of voice and volume if you can. Stay calm.
One of the biggest things which sets us up to be called bitches is
escalation. Losing our cool actually
weakens our position in men’s eyes.
Even though it will make him defensive, you also want him to remain calm. So if you can keep your cool, he is more
likely to remain calm as well.
4. Avoid
preaching or lecturing. If you start
that, he’ll turn off instantly. “There
you go again.” , he’ll think or say.
After all, he’s heard tons of lectures from his mama. He doesn’t want another one from you.
5. Don’t accuse
him of anything if you can help it.
Finger-pointing and “you” messages (especially “you always” or “you
never”) are sure to lead to verbal retaliation.
These 5
tips are admittedly very difficult for most of us to consistently apply,
especially if we’re really hurt, angry, or charged up. Sometimes it’s very hard to get past the
immediate desire to sock it to him. We
need to forego the urge to punish.
Remember, our task is to work it out if possible, not to make matters
worse.
Giving
ourselves time to frame the discussion in our own minds first is a big
advantage.
When the
time comes to have the discussion itself, speak in terms of your feelings and
the impact of his behavior on you. We
call these “I” messages. I-messages
have the best chance of being heard.
For
example, “John, I’m worried. When I’ve
spoken to you lately, and you don’t answer, or give me short answers, it seems
to be like you’re ignoring me. That may
not be your intent, but I can’t help it.
I wonder if there’s something wrong between us.”
Here she’s
talking about her concern. She doesn’t accuse. She just reports what she’s observed. She’s careful to give him the benefit of
the doubt with the comment, “that may not be your intent”. She closes with her impression. She’s careful not to jump to firm
conclusions.
This
certainly beats “John, what’s with you?
You’ve been ignoring me lately.
Don’t you love me anymore? All I
do for you and you don’t appreciate a damn thing!”
See how the
tactic works? What you want is a frank
discussion where you encourage talking it out.
If you jump to conclusions, you pose him the impossible task of having
to defend himself and convince you that you are wrong.
What you really want is to lead him to a point
of being willing to take corrective action. Remember, guys
like to fix things. If you leave things
open, hopefully he’ll want to help you solve your problem. This will only happen if two conditions
are met: (a) You leave his ego intact, and (b) you frame
the conversation in a way that allows mutual, open-minded discussion.
The
possibilities for conflict are legion.
The world isn’t large enough, nor life long enough, to cite all the
potential problems. However, if you
keep these basic principles and tips in mind, you will have much greater
success in managing conflict and anger in ways that actually solve problems and
strengthen your relationship.
I know when
we’re mad, we want to beat him down.
However true “victory” is
only achieved when the problem has been successfully corrected, with your
relationship intact.
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