Command The Respect You Deserve

        By:   Priscilla Wainwright

(I had several requests to republish this piece, so here it is.)

            Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs once quipped, “Don’t try to steer your car with your horn!”    He was talking about trying to correct your kids by yelling at them.

            In my coaching practice, I have seen many women who feel less respected by their husbands, kids, or bosses use the same tactic.    They DEMAND greater respect.    Sometimes they’d say it nicely; often they’d yell.    Didn’t work.

            Well, the word “command”, has 2 meanings (1) to give a verbal order, and (2) to act in ways that draw notice, honor, or respect, i.e., “A commanding presence”.    When it comes to gaining greater respect, definition 1 alone won’t cut it.   You’ve got to enact definition 2.

            Sadly, I’ve seen too many women, when demanding didn’t work, take action by foot-stomping.   Sadly, all that draws is either disgust or laughter.   They respect those women even less.

            So, Sister…..if you’re not getting the respect you feel you deserve, here are some things you can do to “retrain” those around you to treat you better.

(1)      Calmly talk it out.   You might say, “Honey, when you do/say  X, I feel like you’re not respecting me”, or words to that effect.    Keep it a discussion, not a fight.   Don’t accuse or belittle.    Rather, talk about the effect of their actions on You, your feelings.    You want to be understood, not to browbeat.

NEXT – Always follow this with action.    Words alone won’t do it.

(2)      Take yourself seriously.    Act as if you deserve respect.    Take care of and nourish yourself – physically, emotionally, spiritually.     Dress well, even when casual, honor your time and commitments.

(3)      Give others the level of respect that you desire in return.    Model respectful behavior.    Remember, what goes around comes around.    You’ll NEVER gain respect by disrespecting those who disrespect you.

(4)      Set clear boundaries that are respectful of you, your time and your actions, and stick to them.   Let your “YES” be yes, and your “NO” be no.    Set appropriate limits on what you’re willing (and able) to do, and what you are willing to accept or tolerate from others.

(5)      Stop overserving.    We gals are known for putting our own needs last, and doing for others to the point of burnout.    The problem with overserving is that you train others to expect this from you.    They soon cease to be grateful for your serving; rather they get pissed off if you slow down.    “Serving” is fine.    We women enjoy it within proper limits.   “Overserving” forces us to be the Energizer Bunny, and ultimately depletes us.   It’s a boundaries issue, but deserves attention in its own right.

(6)      State your desires and expectations clearly and calmly.    Be firm, if need be, but always kind if possible.    Think through what you want to say before you say it.    Keep your cool.     If you find your temperature rising, end the discussion and return to it at a cooler moment.

(7)      Be assertive.    Stand up for yourself when necessary, without anger or rancor.    One of my key Tigress Principles is “Harbor no rage, take no crap”.    (More on the Tigress in future Blogs).    If you stand up for and truly respect yourself, you don’t have need for anger.   Acting from anger will always hurt your cause.  Holding back anger here can be very difficult. So often, if we experience disrespect,  we are deeply hurt,  and may feel unloved and betrayed by one who is supposed to love us.

            There.    That’s a start.    If disrespect has been ongoing, it may take time to see results.    You need to be consistent here if you want to retrain others.    It won’t happen overnight.    There are no quick fixes, and you may need to prepare to take some initial flak.    But, the outcome, if successful, will be well worth  the effort.

              Really important:  Keep your actions, words, and desires consistent.  This is the critical caveat.  I kill my cause if I want kindness from you, but treat you in an unkind way.  You can never punish someone into liking or loving you.  I’ve noticed that we women have a real problem with this sometimes.

            We touched on many varied issues here.    I invite comments and questions.   I’d love to answer your questions in future blogs.

            Also, visit www.ScarvesStyleandGlory.com and join our community.   We offer help and support to women who wish to regain or expand their personal power.  That’s  what Women of Style and Glory is all about -  Developing your positive Feminine Power.

Copyright Priscilla Wainwright 2013. This document may not be reproduced in any manner nor utilized for any purpose other than personal educational use without written permission of Dr. Wainwright.

What's On Your To-Do List, Tigress?

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

NEWS FLASH:    Giant HALLOWEEN Sale starts today on www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com

20% Off the Entire Store!!!   Sale runs today thru Sunday, Nov. 3.  Use Discount Code, 

                                                                        halloween

________________________

            Most of us have to-do lists of some kind or another.   Maybe it’s a goal list or activity list on your work planner.  Perhaps it’s a tick-list of things you want to get done around the house or other personal things.

            Are you a “list person”?   Many of us are.   I have a girlfriend who is so organized, she has a “list of lists”.    She’s a human dynamo, but she still grouses to me that she hasn’t got enough time to get it all done.    While she won’t admit it, she sees her life as one interruption after another.   Do you fall into that category by any chance?

            Do you have any time or activity on your list for your personal enjoyment, or development  of a pleasurable nature?   How about time for reflection or some other quiet time or Spiritual practice?

            We women can be gluttons for doing, serving, and multitasking.   (Supposedly we typically do the latter better than men.)    I’m sure you’ve heard the old saw, “Men work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.”    This is often so true.   Finish a hard day at work, come home, and who’s gotta cook, clean, take care of the kids?   This can all become very draining after a while.

            Proper self-care is critical to your physical, mental, and spiritual health.    Are you factoring personal nourishment (other than meals!) into your daily schedule?    Every athlete knows that constant practice can lead to burnout and that periods of relaxation, especially prior to a match, improve performance.

            Look over your to-do list and your daily schedule.    See where you can insert a calming, relaxing practice, or maybe a gym workout.   That ultimately will refresh you as well.   Whatever you choose, do something that will lift your spirit.

            If you’re new to this, you might need to deal with guilt or self-imposed demands, or felt pressure to accomplish.    Determine a practice that you can live with over time, and commit to stick with it for 30 days at least.   By then, it should be a habit, and you will find new levels of energy.

            Go for it, Tigress.    You’re worth it.

______________________

Check out www.simplywoman.com for more great articles on becoming your personal best and proper self-care.

The 14 Tigress Habits

By Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            The well-developed Tigress is clear about the life she wants to create and is highly intentional in how she shows up daily in her world.    She naturally and consistently lives out the following principles and practices in her daily life.

The Tigress:

1.         Is AUTHENTIC……She lives her truth through every action.    She shows up to life congruent in word and deed.    She is courageous and accepts the risks associated with being honest.

2.         ACCEPTS and LOVES HERSELF AS SHE IS, including her femaleness.   She knows who she is and is comfortable in her own skin.   She cares for and nurtures herself well and meaningfully.

3.         Is POSITIVELY ASSERTIVE.   She rises up full length and strength to assert her rights and defend her loved ones.    She owns whatever space she is in and feels totally right to be there.   She respects the rights of others.

4.         HARBORS NO RAGE, TAKES NO CRAP.  Because she stands up for herself, she has no need for anger nor resentment.

5.         LIVES IN THE PRESENT.  (The only place where her power lies.)   She does not fear the future nor hang onto the past.

6.         DISPLAYS HIGH CHARACTER as an EXAMPLAR.    She is a leader and behaves as an example for others to follow.    She is responsible, shows up, and follows through.

7.         CONTRIBUTES.   She shares her gifts, time, talents and treasure to, and draws power from, the community.   (Her power is multiplied and fulfilled in connection with others – the “collective field”.)    She is a good steward of what has been entrusted to her.

8.         SETS HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.    She is caring, compassionate and helpful to others.   At the same time, she knows her limits and is comfortable saying “no” when necessary.

9.         Is KIND, CARING, COMPASSIONATE, AND CONNECTED.   She can sense the needs of others, forms solid relationships which are mutually beneficial.    She is helpful to others in need and passionate for good in the world.   She is kind in her dealings, even when she needs to be firm.

10.       Is RESILIENT.     She remains ultimately calm and unflappable under stress.    She tackles her difficulties and overcomes.

11.       LIVES IN BALANCE.    She balances work, play, and other duties and activities in a healthy, regenerative manner.

12.       ASKS BOLDLY and RECEIVES GRACIOUSLY.   She is comfortable with asking for what she needs and desires, and with receiving both compliments and appropriate gifts and favors.

13.       Is INFLUENTIAL.    She uses power strategically, assumes a leader role, and speaks her opinion in healthy, useful ways.

14.       Is PASSIONATE.    She voices her inner yearnings and fuels action to bring them to fruition in her life and in the world.    She cares deeply for that which is important to her.

For most of us, there is a bit of a learning curve here.  We are all works in progress and I'm sure most of us fall short on some of the areas above.  Some of the above are descriptions of how we show up now. The rest are targets to shoot for.

These Habits and other Tigress qualities and behaviors will be the target of Core Training, webinars and other articles and events in Women of Style and Glory, the interactive online community of www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com.   Join today and get support on your path of growth.

____________________________

Huge HALLOWEEN Sale

20% Off the Entire Store

Starts tomorrow, Oct.30 thru Sunday, Nov. 3

Discount Code:  Halloween

www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com

The Tigress - Key Core Qualities

By:   Priscilla Wainwright

(See the Special Notice at the bottom of the Blog)

The well-developed Inner Tigress will display in her unique way, the following qualities:

First and foremost, she is RADIANT.    Her presence lights up the room.    Her energy can be felt.    There is a magnetic quality about her, and perhaps because of her radiance, an air of mystery.

She is FULLY AUTHENTIC.    She clearly knows who she is and is confortable in her own skin.    She consistently lives her truth.    She has no axe to grind and has no reason to be defensive.    She is her own person to the world.    She loves herself completely in healthy ways and accepts herself as she is, as a person of worth and glory.

Through her authenticity, she has set reasonable and positive BOUNDARIES.    She is kind, compassionate, generous and giving.    She also knows how and where to say “No” and is clear on the limits she has set on her action and involvement.    She maintains a healthy balance between caring for the needs of others and self-nurturance.

The Tigress loves being FEMALE.    She fully embraces and lives into and through her feminine qualities.    She has well developed, and exercises her power through, the 5 female power sources:    Emotion, Intuition, Empathy, Connection, and Higher Calling.

The Tigress is PASSIONATE and INTENTIONAL – Her passion fuels her sense of purpose for being in this world.  She has a large world view, has burdens on her heart and inner yearnings to create goodness and leave her personal mark on the world.    Whether it is a cause or project that affects large numbers of people, or improvement in her workplace and/or family, or anything in between, she births her dreams into reality.    She is clear on her direction,  active, persistent, hangs in there, and makes great things happen.

The Tigress is searingly COURAGEOUS.   She openly speaks her truth.   She will rise up to protect her own and defend against or attack injustice and wrong-doing.   She has no desire to challenge nor offend, but is not afraid to buck public convention or opinion when such is in conflict with her truth and values.    She refuses to conform or knuckle under when doing so would compromise her authenticity.    She has the courage of her convictions and takes effective action!

Due to all of the above qualities, she is RESILIENT.   She has an optimistic view of the world, life, and the Universal Powers That Be.    She recognizes setbacks as temporary.    Rather than worry or feel hopeless when difficulties or tragedies arise, she steps outside her pain and frustration and finds opportunities for growth and potential blessings therein.    Like the proverbial cork in the water, she bounces to the surface and handles the situation appropriately.     You can’t keep a great girl down!

Clearly, there are many more qualities which a well-developed Tigress will manifest, such as Happiness, Love, Effectiveness, Generosity, Optimism, Persistence, &c.     We could go on and on.   However, most of the additional qualities she demonstrates derive from the ones described above.

---------------------

Steven Covey wrote the best-seller, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People".   Well,  next Tuesday you will get to see  "The 14 Habits of Highly Effective Tigresses". These habits are really the core attitude/action set of truly empowered women.  Please join me here next Tuesday.

Qualities are just that.  They are the grounding for how we show up in life and what we show up with. Habits are repeated behavior sets that put the qualities into action.

Ohmigosh!!!!  I ended a sentence above with a preposition!!  What a grammatical faux pas!  Winston Churchill would roll over in his grave. He once said, "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."  (<.....>)

-----------------------

YIPPEEEE   WOOHOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!

Huge HALLOWEEN Sale next week on

www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com

20% Off the Whole Store

Wed. Oct. 30 - Sat. Nov. 2

(See next Tuesday's Blog for the Discount Code)

Tigress 4 - "Rise Up And ROAR"

        

                                                          

                                                                        To claim your true worth……..

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To proclaim your inner glory…..

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To release your pain……..

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To drown your fear……

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To shatter your chains…….

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To transcend your past……

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To strengthen your spirit……

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To assert your equality…….

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To seize your freedom…….

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To free your Tigress……

                                                                                                Rise up and roar.

                                                                        To fulfill your womanly destiny……

                                                                                    RISE UP AND ROAR ! ! ! !

                                                                       

                                                                               PRISCILLA A. WAINWRIGHT, Ph.D., CPC

© Priscilla A. Wainwright.   All rights reserved                

 “RISE UP AND ROAR” ---

WHAT YOU’RE REALLY DOING

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            When you “Rise Up and Roar”, you are emptying your inner frustration, pent up over the years.

            You are asserting your (1) PRESENCE – you are here: world take notice.    You are coming out of the background, no longer invisible nor blending in.    You are stepping into the light of day and claiming your rightful space.

            You are asserting your (2) FREEDOM – you are throwing off the shackles of oppression, being objectified, being subservient to others’ will.    You own your own personhood.    You accept and relish the fact that you are a wonderful, unique, beautiful, powerful creature in your own right.    No longer a “slave”, you are FREE TO COOPERATE.  You may still serve, but you do so by choice – willfully - as your FREE expression of your love, not as your preprogrammed role.

            You are asserting your (3) EQUALITY – you are no longer a lesser being, a second-class citizen.    All of us are worth it - all equal in worth and value, regardless of differing talents, skills, and assets.    You are FREE to partner as equals, contributing your unique assets, skills and talents, as desired, to whatever enterprise – family, friends, business, and/or community.

            NOTE THIS:     There is no inherent anger in the roar.   By roaring, - asserting your presence, freedom and equality – you actually transcend and release anger.   You can let anger go.   Anger is the result of hurt, oppression, feeling out of control.    Proper assertion is not aggressive – true freedom transcends the desire to punish.   (If I wish to punish or get even, I am not truly free.    My emotions are still hooked.    I am still a prisoner of the object of my anger, because emotionally I’m still hung up on that person, circumstance, or whatever.)

            While anger may occasionally motivate us to action, anger is not the source of our power.    Our Inner Spirit is – your “Inner Tigress”.   She is at once Powerful, Independent, yet Nurturing and Cooperative.    She finds her power both in herself and in her community, and in the Divine.

            Because Tigresses are powerful and positively assertive, they have no enemies.   They may need to struggle, but they do not harbor hatred in their hearts.    If they struggle, it is to claim their independence, not to defeat, belittle nor destroy.

-------------------------

Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC, is an empowerment coach for women on the rise.    She is founder of www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com, which sells scarves and offers  free style tips, style and empowerment coaching and The Women of Style and Glory Membership.       She may be contacted through her website or by e-mail at pris@scarvesstyleandglory.com.

Maryland women:  Want a great networking circle?  On Purpose Women.  I belong and love it!! Wonderful opportunities and fabulous women.  Find out more at www.GinnyRobertson.com