Command The Respect You Deserve

        By:   Priscilla Wainwright

(I had several requests to republish this piece, so here it is.)

            Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs once quipped, “Don’t try to steer your car with your horn!”    He was talking about trying to correct your kids by yelling at them.

            In my coaching practice, I have seen many women who feel less respected by their husbands, kids, or bosses use the same tactic.    They DEMAND greater respect.    Sometimes they’d say it nicely; often they’d yell.    Didn’t work.

            Well, the word “command”, has 2 meanings (1) to give a verbal order, and (2) to act in ways that draw notice, honor, or respect, i.e., “A commanding presence”.    When it comes to gaining greater respect, definition 1 alone won’t cut it.   You’ve got to enact definition 2.

            Sadly, I’ve seen too many women, when demanding didn’t work, take action by foot-stomping.   Sadly, all that draws is either disgust or laughter.   They respect those women even less.

            So, Sister…..if you’re not getting the respect you feel you deserve, here are some things you can do to “retrain” those around you to treat you better.

(1)      Calmly talk it out.   You might say, “Honey, when you do/say  X, I feel like you’re not respecting me”, or words to that effect.    Keep it a discussion, not a fight.   Don’t accuse or belittle.    Rather, talk about the effect of their actions on You, your feelings.    You want to be understood, not to browbeat.

NEXT – Always follow this with action.    Words alone won’t do it.

(2)      Take yourself seriously.    Act as if you deserve respect.    Take care of and nourish yourself – physically, emotionally, spiritually.     Dress well, even when casual, honor your time and commitments.

(3)      Give others the level of respect that you desire in return.    Model respectful behavior.    Remember, what goes around comes around.    You’ll NEVER gain respect by disrespecting those who disrespect you.

(4)      Set clear boundaries that are respectful of you, your time and your actions, and stick to them.   Let your “YES” be yes, and your “NO” be no.    Set appropriate limits on what you’re willing (and able) to do, and what you are willing to accept or tolerate from others.

(5)      Stop overserving.    We gals are known for putting our own needs last, and doing for others to the point of burnout.    The problem with overserving is that you train others to expect this from you.    They soon cease to be grateful for your serving; rather they get pissed off if you slow down.    “Serving” is fine.    We women enjoy it within proper limits.   “Overserving” forces us to be the Energizer Bunny, and ultimately depletes us.   It’s a boundaries issue, but deserves attention in its own right.

(6)      State your desires and expectations clearly and calmly.    Be firm, if need be, but always kind if possible.    Think through what you want to say before you say it.    Keep your cool.     If you find your temperature rising, end the discussion and return to it at a cooler moment.

(7)      Be assertive.    Stand up for yourself when necessary, without anger or rancor.    One of my key Tigress Principles is “Harbor no rage, take no crap”.    (More on the Tigress in future Blogs).    If you stand up for and truly respect yourself, you don’t have need for anger.   Acting from anger will always hurt your cause.  Holding back anger here can be very difficult. So often, if we experience disrespect,  we are deeply hurt,  and may feel unloved and betrayed by one who is supposed to love us.

            There.    That’s a start.    If disrespect has been ongoing, it may take time to see results.    You need to be consistent here if you want to retrain others.    It won’t happen overnight.    There are no quick fixes, and you may need to prepare to take some initial flak.    But, the outcome, if successful, will be well worth  the effort.

              Really important:  Keep your actions, words, and desires consistent.  This is the critical caveat.  I kill my cause if I want kindness from you, but treat you in an unkind way.  You can never punish someone into liking or loving you.  I’ve noticed that we women have a real problem with this sometimes.

            We touched on many varied issues here.    I invite comments and questions.   I’d love to answer your questions in future blogs.

            Also, visit www.ScarvesStyleandGlory.com and join our community.   We offer help and support to women who wish to regain or expand their personal power.  That’s  what Women of Style and Glory is all about -  Developing your positive Feminine Power.

Copyright Priscilla Wainwright 2013. This document may not be reproduced in any manner nor utilized for any purpose other than personal educational use without written permission of Dr. Wainwright.