I'm Sorry - Really?

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

            Denise* is always saying she is sorry over the tiniest things; like when passing another person in close quarters in a crowded mall, even if she didn’t brush them in passing.    One day her boyfriend called her on it:   “Stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ all the time.   You say it so often that I never know when you really mean it.”

            It’s funny…..it seems that saying “I’m sorry” is programmed into the female DNA.    It seems as if the first words we learn are “Mama”, “Dada”, and “I’m sorry”.

            Like most women of her generation, my mother was big on pleasing and the social graces.    Take that back.   “Huge” on these things would be a better word.   She would always remind me, “Good girls always say ‘I’m sorry’ when they make a mistake”.    When I would really goof, I’d get, “Priscilla Angelica! Good girls…..” with a sharp rise in her voice on the final “A” and a strong emphasis on “good”.

            “Excuse me” was another biggie.   Know what?    As I think about it, a lot of us girls often use “I’m sorry” to mean “Excuse me”.

            Here’s another observation.   I don’t know if this is a proven fact or not, but it seems to me that women tend to say “I’m sorry” more to men than we do to other women in the same circumstances.   Does that ring true in your experience, girlfriend?

            It seems that the female of the species over-apologizes.    Likewise, in conversation, we sound more tentative to men.   We frequently lead off sentences with speech qualifiers such as “I think…” or “Perhaps…” or “It seems to me…..”.   Men typically state their thought directly.   In conversation with other women, we take it for granted and don’t think about it.   Likewise, men are more likely to interrupt another speaker whereas women typically will wait ‘til the other speaker is finished before throwing in her two cents.

            All of this makes us look less certain, and therefore, often less capable to the other gender.   If we seem to be getting a bit less respect from the men in our lives, or treated less than equal, could it be that our speech patterns are contributing to that outcome?

            Does any of this fit your experience?

            Don’t get me wrong.   The human female has always played up to the human male.   We’ve been doing it since Eve strapped on a sexy fig leaf to entice Adam.   That’s also in our DNA, and, Honey, it ain’t gonna change.   Besides harmless flirting is fun.   I don’t wanna stop, do you?

            Yet, I think there’s a difference between being seen as attractive and being seen as fragile, weaker, or less than.   One does not imply the other, but over the eons, women – especially those raised to be “good girls” – have confused the two.

            It’s really bogus to do or say things to make ourselves attractive or well-liked that ultimately diminish our self-respect.    After all, without thinking about it, we subconsciously train others how to treat us through what we say and do.   No one is going to respect us more than we respect ourselves.

            Interestingly, it seems that men are changing their desires, too.   More and more, they seem to want a girl to be a partner, to do things with them rather than sit on the sidelines adoring them.

            Okay, Tigress.    It’s time to clean up our collective act.   If we want more respect and be seen as equals, we need to do 2 things:  (a) Speak up and demand respect.   Call ‘em out on it when they treat you less than equal.   Don’t belittle them, but tell them kindly but firmly what you expect.   And (b) Act assertively and with confidence.   Act as if (and believe) you deserve the respect you desire.   Again, firm but kind.   Spewing any pent up anger won’t do it.   After all, we’re talking about releasing your Inner Tigress, not your Inner Bitch!

            For many of us girls, this boils down to a self-esteem issue, and many of us have suffered in this area.    We think less of ourselves than we ought to think.   We don’t give ourselves enough credit.   We doubt our basic worth.   How we got this way is the stuff of other books and articles.   Can’t go into that here.

            But, if we want more respect, we need to act as if we deserve respect.  If we want to raise our self-esteem, it’s not enough just to start thinking differently; we must act more forthrightly, stating openly our expectations and desires as appropriate.   Lasting improvement in self-image will only occur when we start acting like we take ourselves seriously, and seeing improved results.

            Go for it, Tigress.   You can do it.   You are much more capable and powerful than you have been trained – or given yourself permission – to think.   It may be tough in the beginning, but the first step is always the hardest.

            And remember, too, that I and the rest of your Tigress Sisters are behind you 110%.   Any step you take for yourself in this regard is a step taken for all womanhood.

            That’s the way it is.   You can do this.  Stop apologizing unnecessarily.   Respect yourself as the Queen Bee you were meant to be.

            If this is making you uncomfortable, recognize that this reaction is normal.   Standing up for yourself is tough at the outset, but you’ll feel so liberated once you begin.

            If I’ve made you uneasy, I’m sorry.

            NO, I’m NOT !

            Rise Up and Roar!!!!

·      - Name changed