Caveat - Men, Women and Anger

By:  Priscilla Wainwright

WANNA HEAR A SECRET?

            I want to share a key fact that most people never think about, that does great harm to women.

            No, I’m not talking about spouse abuse nor violence toward women.   These are terrible things and must stop.

            What I’m writing about today is much more subtle.   It affects a women’s reputation and how she is seen.

            The Patriarchy (i.e., the Patriarchal culture, in whatever country it reigns) values men and women differently.    This is obvious.    What is not so obvious is that the lasting outcome of the expression of emotion by each gender is different, and pejorative to women (of course!).

            Now forgive me.   I’m going to wax very simplistic and perhaps stereotypic here for a  moment.    There are plenty of exceptions to the rule here, and any individual person or situation may be different.   But bear with me.   What I’m about to say is true for the middle of the bell-shaped curve.

            There are 4 basic feelings:    glad, sad, mad, and scared.    Each gender tends to express them differently.

            Now here’s where the Patriarchy comes in.

            Men are expected to express anger.    It is subtly associated with male power.   The traditional male trump card is physical violence.    When a man doesn’t get his way and escalates his anger, either verbally or physically, he more often gets his way.    Others’ “respect” for him may turn to “fear”, but he frequently prevails.    So guys learn that anger is a potent tool to have in their coping kit-bag.

            (sidebar – Society fears unbridled male anger.   Still over 70% of victims of male violence are other men.)

            Likewise, men are taught that it’s unmanly to express sadness or fear.   “Big boys don’t cry”, right?    To do so makes them (in the male ego’s view) look weak (or worse, “feminine”).    Also, the male brain under stress shuts down communication.

            For women, it’s different.   We are expected to express sadness and fear more openly.    Because women in general are more emotionally expressive, this more open expression is natural.    Also, the female brain under stress is more prone to talk.

            (sidebar – Because the Patriarchy sees these emotions as “weakness”, their expression is discouraged.    Therefore, the fact that we women express these feelings more has contributed to the cultural proclivity to see “feminine” as “weak”.)

            (sidebar -  Men fear women’s anger.    We fight with words and confrontation at an emotional level.    The average man is less verbal, and feels under-gunned in a fight with a woman.    His trump card is to come out swinging, but since most men are taught not to hit a woman, their ego stays hurt and men seethe.   Therefore, the Patriarchy, which serves the male ego, must suppress feminine anger at all costs.    Anger is “unladylike”.    This is a main reason for the conclusion I’m about to draw.)

            So…….men can express anger, but not sadness and fear.    Women can express sadness and fear, but not anger.

            Now, here’s the hurtful conclusion:

            Unless his anger is violent or habitual, when a man gets angry, he’s seen as “stressed”,  “losing his cool”, or “blowing his top”.    He’s viewed as “getting over it”, with no harm to his reputation.   (Men do typically blow off and get over it quickly, unless they have anger issues.)

            It’s different for a woman.    If she gets angry, it doesn’t take long for her to be labeled as a “bitch”.    This is about her character.   Once she’s labeled as a bitch, those around her come to expect her to become angry over certain things.    They become defensive, and are more ready to fight back when she becomes angry the next time, setting up more mutual anger and destruction.

            So, Sisters, word of warning.    It’s OK to be angry.    Many of us just need to learn how to express it in ways that don’t come back to hurt us.

            More on future blogs.

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How To Avoid Worthless Fights - The Relationship-Saving Question

By:  Priscilla Wainwright

            Ever get into an argument with your spouse, partner, or friend in which each of you came from a different side of an issue?    Did this argument slide into a fight?    And if it did, how long did the fight last, and what was the aftermath?

            You know what I’m  talking about.   We’ve all been there, perhaps all too often.  You see the situation one way, and it’s very clear to you that you are right!   What’s more, the “truth” seems so obvious to you.   It’s as if the truth is standing 10 feet tall with a flowing capital “T” in the middle of the room, so obvious that even a blind person could see it.

            The truth is so clear, so obvious.   Yet the other person still disagrees!   “Golly-Bum”, you think, “How can you be so dense? (or substitute “dumb”, “stupid”, or “stubborn”).   Maybe you’ve actually said those words to them.

            Yet your partner still doesn’t “get it”.

            Your frustration mounts.   You’re making no headway.   Steam is building between your ears.   Then you throw the fireball:   “You’re wrong!” you shout.   Now you’re into an emotional battle.    This ain’t gonna end pretty.      

           

            These types of fights can have tragic outcomes.   I’ve had clients who reported that it got physical, or they didn’t speak to each other for a week, or the police were called.   While those outcomes are atypically severe, these types of fights leave scars afterward that are not easily healed.   They can create lasting damage, and if they happen frequently enough, they can destroy your relationship.

            Hooray!    There is a way to avoid these types of fights completely.

            There is one simple question no one thinks to ask, that – if asked – can turn the whole situation down a more healthy path.

            Here it is:   When you sense your discussion is going down the path of division and anger, stop and ask, “I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from.   What led you to that conclusion?”

            This question changes everything.   It turns you both from a path to battle to one of inquiry.

            It also leads to understanding.    As the other person answers, you get to see her or his logic stream.   You still may not agree, but you gain insight into how she or he interpreted the situation and put the pieces together in their head.   You also may discover that the “truth” is not always so clear cut, and you may find there are other valid interpretations.

            As long as you both stay in discussion mode and don’t degenerate to fighting, there’s hope.    You still may not agree, but it becomes easier to negotiate a conclusion or action plan.    You may find that you agree to disagree.    The main payoff?   You still remain friends!

NOTE:   There’s an important caveat here that, as a woman, you need to consider.    See my next blog, “Men, Women and Anger”.

WOW!   Giant Back to School Sale is going on at ScarvesStyleandGlory.com!   15% off the entire store!

Enter “Back to School” in the discount code box at checkout to get your discount.

Hurry!   Sale ends midnight, Tuesday, September 3^rd.

How to Grow Through Song Surgery - Draw back the curtain - Part 3

By  Priscilla Wainwright

If you’re new to my Blog, this is the third part of a series.  Please read the prior two posts before reading today’s post.

Now for the song itself:

  

                      “On a clear day, rise and look around you,

                        and you’ll see who you are.”

Cast aside the clouds of doubt, anger, frustration, busyness, self-limiting beliefs, and other things that distract you.  When you rise above all that, you will see your true essence, your greatness and fantastic worth.

Appreciate yourself tfor the fine person you really are at your core, the True You, unfettered by the burdens of daily life.

                      “On a clear day, how it will astound you,

                        that the glow of your being outshines every star.”

You are radiant, Woman of Style and Glory.  It’s who you are at your core. It goes with being female.

Problem is, over the years, our true radiance gets tarnished by disappointments, hurts, criticism, fears, abuse, and mistaken beliefs that limit and diminish our belief in and liking for ourselves.  Growing up in the Patriarchy also takes its toll. The Patriarchy sees women as lesser beings, and too many of us automatically buy into that.  The end result is that we lose partial or total sight of our innate Radiance and Glory, but it’s there anyway, just waiting to be released.

Tarnish on silver doesn’t destroy the silver. It just covers it up. Polish the silver, remove the tarnish, and the silver shines anew, just as bright as ever.

So it is with our Feminine Radiance.  It’s there. We just need to buff it up and release it.  Problem is, so many women have either a conscious or subconscious fear of becoming visible, so they don’t  let  their true glory shine.  They inadvertently let the tarnish continue to build. So sad.

                     “You’ll feel part of every mountain, sea and shore;

                       you can hear from far and near

                                       a world you’ve never heard before.”

When your radiance truly comes through, you’re living your authentic truth and you have reclaimed your true and rightful Feminine Power,  the whole world opens up for you.  You’ll have an expanded and expansive vision of hope and possibility. You will discover and know your place in contributing to the betterment of the world, however you choose to live out your passions and yearnings.

                   “And on a clear day, that clear day,

                     you can see forever and ever more.”

You’ll see a radiant, positive future perspective.  You’ll sense deep down within yourself that your passion and contribution will have lasting impact.  You will be able to sense what that looks like as you touch lives in the service of your passion and dreams –

                    And

            Your dreams turn into reality!

How To Grow Through Song Surgery - "Draw back the curtain" Part 2

By  Priscilla Wainwright

Today I want to take “On a Clear Day” apart and apply it to you. I want to get you thinking outside the box and take a larger than life view of yourself. Imagine for a moment that you are the subject of the song – that someone, perhaps someone you dearly love, is singing it to you, about you,  That you are being serenaded. Imagine also that you have special powers such as clairvoyance or ESP.  (There are those who believe that we all have these powers, but they go undeveloped in all but a special few.)

But first an apology. The YouTube link on Wednesday’s Blog was to Barbara Streisand singing On a Clear Day in the movie, On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. Why it didn’t come over live I don’t know. But check out that video. You’ll love how it ends.

The rendition I listened to was by Bryn Terfel, the opera singer. He sang the introduction which I printed in the Blog, as well as the  song itself.

Now let’s dig in. As you read the lines, know that they apply to you.

         “Could anyone among us have an inkling or a clue

           what magic feats of wizardry or voodoo you can do?

           And who would ever guess the powers you possess?

Think about it, Woman of Style and Glory.  Look deep within and you’ll recognize you have major untapped potentials and talents.  Humans are amaing that way, especially women. We have unique ways of knowing that are foreign to most men. “Women’s intuition” is a mystery to most men, but we get it. The female brain is built for intuitive understanding, beyond the level the male brain was created.

Likewise, we have powers of influence. The right word from a woman can cause a man to leap tall buildings in a single bound. A critical word can send his ego crashing.

As nelson Mandela said, “We are powerful beyond measure.”  Start believing this, sister, if you don’t already. This is the truth within which empowered women live and act out their daily lives.

         “So much more than we ever know,

           so much more we were born to do.”

How large are you living? So many of  us women live too small, while deep within us major yearnings are stirring.  Too often when these yearnings poke their heads to the surface, we dismiss them with notions that they are impractical, or to glorious, or too hard for “poor little me” to accomplish.

Yet it is possible that those inner yearnings are the seeds of our passion, our purpose for being in this time and place?  So, this couplet raises three all-important questions:

1.   Are you living large enough to be fulfilled or make a real difference?

2.   Are you in touch with a sense of passion or mission in your life?

3.   If not, are you willing to open yourself to possibility?

If you are, what are you doing to manifest your passions into the world?

And now,

          “Should you draw back the curtain,

                   this I am certain,

            You’ll be impressed with you.”

What curtain?

The veil of shame, of self-loathing, or doubt, or low self esteem, or the veil of fear.

See yourself as you truly are – a Pearl of Great Price, a powerful woman endowed with great talents, strengths and gifts, a person of Glorious Worth in your own right – just because you’re YOU!

Play with this image for a while. Enjoy!!

Today we dealt with the introduction.  Next time, we’ll dig into the song itself.

Have a blessed day.

   

                                  ____________________________

Watch for our huge Back to School sale on www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com    It starts this Sunday, August 25, and runs thru Labor Day, September 2nd.