Scarves Style and Glory: Caveat - Men, Women and Anger

By: Priscilla Wainwright

WANNA HEAR A SECRET?

I want to share a key fact that most people never think about, that does great harm to women.

No, I’m not talking about spouse abuse nor violence toward women. These are terrible things and must stop.

What I’m writing about today is much more subtle. It affects a women’s reputation and how she is seen.

The Patriarchy (i.e., the Patriarchal culture, in whatever country it reigns) values men and women differently. This is obvious. What is not so obvious is that the lasting outcome of the expression of emotion by each gender is different, and pejorative to women (of course!).

Now forgive me. I’m going to wax very simplistic and perhaps stereotypic here for a moment. There are plenty of exceptions to the rule here, and any individual person or situation may be different. But bear with me. What I’m about to say is true for the middle of the bell-shaped curve.

There are 4 basic feelings: glad, sad, mad, and scared. Each gender tends to express them differently.

Now here’s where the Patriarchy comes in.

Men are expected to express anger. It is subtly associated with male power. The traditional male trump card is physical violence. When a man doesn’t get his way and escalates his anger, either verbally or physically, he more often gets his way. Others’ “respect” for him may turn to “fear”, but he frequently prevails. So guys learn that anger is a potent tool to have in their coping kit-bag.

(sidebar – Society fears unbridled male anger. Still over 70% of victims of male violence are other men.)

Likewise, men are taught that it’s unmanly to express sadness or fear. “Big boys don’t cry”, right? To do so makes them (in the male ego’s view) look weak (or worse, “feminine”). Also, the male brain under stress shuts down communication.

For women, it’s different. We are expected to express sadness and fear more openly. Because women in general are more emotionally expressive, this more open expression is natural. Also, the female brain under stress is more prone to talk.

(sidebar – Because the Patriarchy sees these emotions as “weakness”, their expression is discouraged. Therefore, the fact that we women express these feelings more has contributed to the cultural proclivity to see “feminine” as “weak”.)

(sidebar - Men fear women’s anger. We fight with words and confrontation at an emotional level. The average man is less verbal, and feels under-gunned in a fight with a woman. His trump card is to come out swinging, but since most men are taught not to hit a woman, their ego stays hurt and men seethe. Therefore, the Patriarchy, which serves the male ego, must suppress feminine anger at all costs. Anger is “unladylike”. This is a main reason for the conclusion I’m about to draw.)

So…….men can express anger, but not sadness and fear. Women can express sadness and fear, but not anger.

Now, here’s the hurtful conclusion:

Unless his anger is violent or habitual, when a man gets angry, he’s seen as “stressed”, “losing his cool”, or “blowing his top”. He’s viewed as “getting over it”, with no harm to his reputation. (Men do typically blow off and get over it quickly, unless they have anger issues.)

It’s different for a woman. If she gets angry, it doesn’t take long for her to be labeled as a “bitch”. This is about her character. Once she’s labeled as a bitch, those around her come to expect her to become angry over certain things. They become defensive, and are more ready to fight back when she becomes angry the next time, setting up more mutual anger and destruction.

So, Sisters, word of warning. It’s OK to be angry. Many of us just need to learn how to express it in ways that don’t come back to hurt us.