By: Priscilla Wainwright
Ever get
into an argument with your spouse, partner, or friend in which each of you came
from a different side of an issue? Did
this argument slide into a fight? And
if it did, how long did the fight last, and what was the aftermath?
You know
what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there, perhaps all too
often. You see the situation one way,
and it’s very clear to you that you are right!
What’s more, the “truth” seems so obvious to you. It’s as if the truth is standing 10 feet
tall with a flowing capital “T” in the middle of the room, so obvious that even
a blind person could see it.
The truth
is so clear, so obvious. Yet the other
person still disagrees! “Golly-Bum”,
you think, “How can you be so dense? (or substitute “dumb”, “stupid”, or
“stubborn”). Maybe you’ve actually said
those words to them.
Yet your
partner still doesn’t “get it”.
Your
frustration mounts. You’re making no
headway. Steam is building between your
ears. Then you throw the fireball: “You’re wrong!” you shout. Now you’re into an emotional battle. This ain’t gonna end pretty.
These types
of fights can have tragic outcomes.
I’ve had clients who reported that it got physical, or they didn’t speak
to each other for a week, or the police were called. While
those outcomes are atypically severe, these types of fights leave scars
afterward that are not easily healed.
They can create lasting damage, and if they happen frequently enough,
they can destroy your relationship.
Hooray! There is a way to avoid these types of
fights completely.
There is
one simple question no one thinks to ask, that – if asked – can turn the whole
situation down a more healthy path.
Here it
is: When you sense your discussion is
going down the path of division and anger, stop and ask, “I’m not sure I
understand where you’re coming from.
What led you to that conclusion?”
This
question changes everything. It turns
you both from a path to battle to one of inquiry.
It also
leads to understanding. As the other
person answers, you get to see her or his logic stream. You still may not agree, but you gain
insight into how she or he interpreted the situation and put the pieces
together in their head. You also may
discover that the “truth” is not always so clear cut, and you may find there
are other valid interpretations.
As long as
you both stay in discussion mode and don’t degenerate to fighting, there’s
hope. You still may not agree, but it
becomes easier to negotiate a conclusion or action plan. You may find that you agree to
disagree. The main payoff? You still remain friends!
NOTE: There’s an
important caveat here that, as a woman, you need to consider. See my next blog, “Men, Women and Anger”.
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