By Priscilla
Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC
As Elyse
Nelson Winger pointed out in her recent article “Clothes Talk”, in Gather, our
male-dominated media culture is sexually exploiting our Tween and Teen
daughters at an increasingly alarming rate.
Not only does it sexually objectify our daughters at younger and younger
ages, it insults women in general.
Sitcoms and “reality TV” shows portray us as emotional bitches who
easily degrade ourselves into cat-fighting.
All of this
is very appealing to men and boosts ratings.
But far worse than momentarily demeaning women and girls, it has
tremendous negative long-term impact on girls’ images of themselves and their
self esteem.
The
fall-out of all this is devastating to both girls and boys.
First, it
sends a not-so-subtle message that (a) sex is primary between boys and girls,
and (B) boys are the “shoppers”, and girls are to be the “objects of
desire”. The main message is that
girls exist for male pleasure and that the most important thing for a girl is
to attract a handsome guy. Boys learn
to disrespect, objectify, and “use” girls.
Frankly,
that message has always been there, but today, it is being more sexualized and
pushed younger and younger.
Our
daughters are increasingly being “objectified” by the media. The results are devastating. Studies show that girls and women who self
objectify have lower self-esteem, are more confused as to their self-identity,
have alarmingly higher rates of depression in adulthood, and consistently
underperform in the use of their intelligence, skills, and talents. Just as bad, our daughters are subtly being
taught to make daily choices and actions that are in others’ interests and not
their own.
All of this
is just the tip of the media culture iceberg.
To go deeper is beyond the scope of this article.
Mothers,
how can you rescue your daughters from this fate?
The
pressures of not just the media, but also teenage conformity behavior, are
strong. The task is not easy. Where do you begin?
Protecting
and saving your daughter begins with your relationship!
The worst
thing that can happen to the parents of teens is to be fired by their kids as
consultants! You have less and less
control as your children get older.
Therefore, your only power lies in your kids’ willingness to listen to
you and see you as a valid source of information.
That said,
how can you approach your daughters (and sons, too) on this topic?
Rule
#1: Don’t preach or try to scare
them. They’ll turn you off in a
heartbeat. Rather approach them in a
conversational way. Tell them that you
respect their choices, but that you have some concerns about clothing choices
and what those choices say to others.
The key to
“hooking” your daughters into listening to you is not to talk first about clothes.
Rather the
context needs to be around authenticity, self-respect, and individuality. As your daughter goes through her teens,
her most important questions need to be, “Who am I?”, “What do I want out of
life?”, “What are my natural skills and talents?”, “What do I want to do with
my life?” (This is more than, “What do
I want to be when I grow up?” It’s about
passion and purpose.)
You want to
get her thinking and talking in personally empowered ways. Get her envisioning a bold, empowered future
where she can accomplish whatever she desires, and make a huge impact on the
world.
Get her
thinking and talking about being her own person, defining her own authenticity
and uniqueness. What can she contribute
to the world? What are her natural
gifts? How can she truly earn the
respect and admiration of others, beyond the superficial aspect of looks and
appearance?
Notice that
none of this has anything to do with clothes so far!
The next
logical set of questions to get her talking about revolves around, “How do you
want to be seen?, What impressions do you want to make?, How do you want to be
regarded and respected?
Your goal
is to get her to start seeing a disconnect between her self-respect, her
authentic higher truth, and her attire.
Here are
some points you can casually throw in as appropriate.
·
“Dress poorly, they notice the clothes; dress
well and they notice the woman.” - Coco
Chanel
·
A girl may think about sex 4-5 times a day; a
guy can have a sexual thought every 57 seconds.
·
Boys have a natural “FEMALE BINARY”: They inherently know that there are just two
kinds of girls – those you play with and toss away, and those you respect and
eventually marry.
·
To boys, if your words say one thing and your
clothes say another, boys will listen to the clothes first.
·
Clothes speak louder than words.
·
“Alluring” is ultimately more attractive than
“sexy”. A little “mystery” is a good
thing.
·
“Glamour” has been shown in study after study to
be based more on a girl’s confidence and inner radiance than on sexy
clothing. Therefore, do you want to be
seen as “glamorous” or as “sexy”, or “slutty”?
·
“Sexy” comes in two styles: “high-level”, ie, alluring, glamorous, and
“low-level”, ie slutty.
·
Is your overall message consistent? Do your clothes really say what you want people to think?
·
“Popular” is nice, but at what price?
·
“Style” (the total look: Clothes, actions,
attitudes) is most effective when it is internally consistent and intentional,
ie. put together by thoughtful design.
Also, have frank discussions with
your kids about the subtle messages put out by
the media that they see and hear. Again, don’t preach, but draw them
out. Get them thinking and talking critically
about the messages they are observing.
The first
bridge in my “4 Bridges” Model of Female Empowerment is “object to subject”, or
“puppet to person”. I refer to the
“Pinocchioic Journey” from self-objectification to authenticity. On
this bridge, the most important question to ask oneself is “Why?” “Why am I doing what I’m doing, or dressing
in this particular way?” To please
others (objectification) or to please and be true to me, my character, my
highest values (authenticity).
Clearly, Mom, this is a tough
issue. How you approach the “clothes
conversation” is critical.
This information should help.
Here are
some useful resources:
www.mediasavvygirls.com (Creators of the video on my page)
·
Miss Representation – Video documentary by Oprah
Winfrey Network. This is a must-see,
and worth watching and discussing as a family.
·
Levin, D. and Kilbourne, J. – So Sexy, So Soon, N.Y., Ballantine,
2008
·
Holiday, E. and Rosenberg, J. – Mean Girls, Meaner Women, 2009. Order on Amazon.
·
www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com has a lot of useful information on style,
intentionality, and true feminine radiance.
***************
Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC, is an empowerment coach
for women on the rise. She is founder
of www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com,
which sells scarves and offers free
style tips, style and empowerment coaching and The Women of Style and Glory Online Community. She may be contacted through her website.
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