By: Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC
Look,
Tigress. Everything in life is directed
and controlled by Mindset.
Assertiveness is no exception.
HOW EFFECTIVE you will be at asserting yourself depends on your belief
about (A) your own worth and rights to have your way or state your case, (B)
your degree of self confidence, (C) your relative power vs the other person(s)
with whom you’re asserting yourself, and (D) the probability of a successful
outcome.
Sometimes
in difficult situations, you may need to practice in advance, especially if being
assertive is not your normal way.
Dottie Doormat needs to practice stepping up to the plate, while Betty
Brash needs to work on toning down.
Remember: The goal is to obtain
willful cooperation; not win-lose.
All that
said, here are some essentials:
1. COME FROM POWER. Assume your worth and your right to your
opinion and faith in your point of view.
Fear of rejection and disapproval is the biggest enemy of
assertiveness. If you are typically
passive, you may not be taken seriously if you let those fears stand in your
way. Own your space and stay in charge.
2. WATCH YOU TONE OF VOICE. Be clear and forthright. Breathe.
Use your big girl voice and speak with conviction in your voice. After all, what you’re dealing with is
important to you. Be sure your voice
conveys both that importance and your personal power.
Keep your tone calm and level with a moderate volume. Do not
raise your voice at the end of a sentence, nor sound angry.
3. BALANCE FIRMNESS AND KINDNESS. Show equal respect for yourself and the
other person. The point (and trick!) of
assertiveness is making a firm case without making the other person defensive
and/or angry. You want to keep the
interchange conversational and bring it to a successful conclusion.
Avoid name-calling, belittling, you-messages, and accusation
at all costs! (Betty B., this will be
tough for you. You gotta keep the reins
on.) Use “I-messages”. Confront politely and caringly. Keep anger in check. (This is important for you, too, Dottie D.
if you’re now at the point you want to explode!). Let the other person maintain his or her
ego and sense of worth.
4. WATCH YOUR POSTURE AND FACIAL EXPRESSION. Your non-verbals count as much (or even
more) than your verbals in making your case successful. This is particularly true if the
other person knows you well and has a history with you, and if “assertiveness”
is a departure from your normal pattern.
Non-verbals must match your tone and verbal
presentations. You must look like your
talk, because if there is a mismatch, the other person will believe the
non-verbals first.
Dottie D., stand up;
Betty B., sit down. If sitting,
sit upright or lean forward. Do not
lean back. This is about energy
control.
Be careful not to scowl.
Smile occasionally when appropriate.
Use appropriate gestures. No
finger-pointing.
5. STATE YOUR CASE CLEARLY AND DIRECTLY. We girls have a tendency to sometimes
over-talk a situation and throw in too much detail or unnecessary
verbiage. This point is especially
important if you’re talking with a guy.
Guys don’t always mean to do it, but they tend to tune out extraneous
words. Show them the big tree, not a
jungle. Extra words cloud the point,
and he may miss it. But this step is
important when dealing with a woman also.
Don’t let your passion for your cause erupt into a verbal barrage.
6. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Refuse to back down. If you cave in, the other person may not take
you seriously next time. There are only
3 possible acceptable outcomes, and you know this going in. (A)
You get your way, (B) You reach a compromise that is truly and honestly
acceptable to you, or (C) You agree to
disagree.
There is actually a 4th possible acceptable
outcome: in your conversation, you
honestly see the other’s point of view and are willing to back off or change
your position. This is not caving in. It is an honest recognition that maybe you
were wrong or misinformed, or there is a better solution that you hadn’t
recognized before. There’s a big
difference.
Whatever, you want to end on friendly terms if possible.
7. USE THE
“BROKEN RECORD” TECHNIQUE IF NEED BE. (Phonograph record, that is, for those of
you who may not be old enough to remember what they were <…..>.) You have your central point and you keep
repeating it. For an example, returning
an item to a clerk in a store you is reluctant to refund your money: “I want my money back!” (clerk refuses) “Yes, but I want my money
back!” and so on.
The Broken Record Technique shows that you will not back
down nor go away. You state your point
without undue explanation. It is not
appropriate for all situations, but very effective when it is appropriate.
8. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. If assertiveness is a departure from your
normal stance, Practicing beforehand
will help you becone believable and successful.
After all, it all comes back to attitude. Practice will help you to develop and
maintain an attitude that will promote your success. Dottie, if you find it hard to speak up, or
Betty, if you just can’t tone it down, coaching can help. Believe me, the
benefits will far outweigh the time and energy involved.
Clearly, much more could be said about assertiveness. However, following these steps will boost
your credibility, improve your success, and perhaps help an important
relationship to heal.
Rise up and ROAR,
Tigress.
____________________________________________
Priscilla teaches assertiveness, both in private coaching
and for groups. Contact her at pris@ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com.
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