Girlfriends...And More (Part 2)

By:  Priscilla Wainwright

“You alone can do it, but you can’t do it alone.” A wise man once said. How true.  All success is social. It doesn’t exist in isolation nor solely at the individual level.  And neither does getting there.

So often we think we’re weak if we can’t do it all by ourselves.  That’s so not true, especially in today’s complex society.

To reach our max, we need not just “cheerleaders”, as important as our girlfriend relationships are to us.  We also need “Synergistic Partners”.  These, likely to be very few in number, will relate with us at a very deep level.  We will share our deepest longings, our passions, inspirations, fears, doubts, barriers – everything.

They will not only support us by affirmation, but – more importantly sometimes – by holding up the mirror, showing us the truth when the vision is cloudy.  They will hold us accountable, and may have us make certain commitments to them.

They will most likely invite us to do the same with them.

Clearly this is a very deep and trusting relationship, not one that develops fully overnight, and not one your average girlfriend is willing to undertake.

So how do you select such a person and develop a Synergistic Partnership with her?  Here are several steps that, done well, will create a high probability of success.

Before proceeding, there is some necessary inner work to do.

First, decide exactly what you are looking for in this relationship.  What are your goals and intentions for the relationship/ What are you willing to reveal,  and how far will you go in this respect? What specifically will you want the other person to provide?  As best you can, clarify your expectations for yourself and your potential partner. Write all this down and review it until you are completely satisfied with it.

Now of course, this isn’t crafted in stone,  As your relationship progresses, some of this may change.  That’s to be expected, but doing the prep work gives you a place to start.

Second, consider your own personality. Do you have control or other issues that could sabotage you?  What type of person do you work best with?  What type of personality should she have?  Of course, you will want someone who will feel free to stand up to and disagree with you when necessary.  Don’t select a yes-girl.

Now you’re ready to select your potential partner. Is there someone in your circle of friends who might fit?  If not, how about acquaintances in organizations to which you belong?

You might start by inviting her to your home or to meet you at a restaurant, Starbucks, or someplace.  Share your ideas, your passions, and have you list of goals, intentions and expectations handy.  You want to feel her out about her thoughts and desires, and whether she’d want the same or a similar relationship with you.

Start your indepth conversation with how you admire her and how impressed you are with her input, accomplishments, whatever. Tell her how helpful she has been, and the reasons why you have chosen her to invite into this relationship.  This isn’t to soften her up. Quite often people do and say things but never hear how others have benefitted from it.

Follow this with telling her what you’re needing and looking for, and would she be willing to help you.  If so, then you can lay out the details. Then you need to explore whether she’d like the same or similar kind of relationship with you.

Consistency and follow through are essential it getting a synergistic partnership off the ground. You want to explore how often you want to get together, how you will communicate between meetings, &c.  You each can serve each other as a Mastermind Group of two!

Boundaries are also important here. You need to be careful about overstepping into each other’s business and life.  You may want to establish shared agreements early (including mutual confidentiality) so you can maintain an effective comfort level going forward.

Of course, all of this is strictly a guideline.  How you proceed is up to you and will depend on the nature of your prior relationship with your potential partner.

However you work it out, a Synergistic Partner will become one of your most treasured resources, and perhaps your deepest longterm friendship.  Go for it!

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Have a Frabjous Day!!!

Girlfriends...And More (Part 1)

By:  Priscilla Wainwright

GIRLFRIENDS!    Aren’t they great?   Where would we be without ‘em?

            Pretty lonely, right?

            Girlfriends are comfort food for the soul!    They listen to our joys and woes.  They cheer us on when we struggle or strive, and applaud when we succeed.   They commiserate, support and encourage us when we’re down.

            We can hang out together, shop or do other fun things together.   They can add spice to an otherwise bland day.

            Our brain chemistry supports this.  When we girls are under stress, the very act of talking it out with girlfriends releases endorphins, oxytocin, and other feel-good hormones.  For a lot of us women, that experience is almost as great an aphrodisiac as sex!

            I’ve also noticed in watching posts on women’s forums, that the posts that get the wordiest and highest number of responses, are ones in which the writer reveals a problem, weakness, or difficult, sad, or hurtful experience.   We gals are hardwired to respond to vulnerability!   After all, we women are all about relationship.   It’s how our brains are structured.  It’s what we do.

            Yes, girlfriend relationships provide great joy and comfort.

            But do they always give us what we really need?

            Comfort is not enough.   Sometimes we need not a pat of the back, but a slap in the face!   Sometimes we need to hear certain truth, not just what we want to hear at the moment.

            We all need a subset of friendships where we have mutual permission to challenge, coach, guide and confront each other.    We need someone to be the touchstone for truth, to hold us accountable, to slap our hand when we’re reaching into the wrong or dangerous cookie jar.    We all need someone who can help us navigate when we steer off course.

            In short, we all need at least one curmudgeon in our lives, someone who won’t hesitate to tell it like it is, not to hurt us but because they love us.   Hopefully, if they are truth-tellers for us, they will have invited us to serve the same purpose for them.

            Truth is, most of our girlfriends will want to stay at the comfort/support level with us.    Only a certain few will agree to exercise the curmudgeon role or be our touchstone-for-truth.

            Yet, these deeper friendships are a marvelous blessing.   Ultimately, they will give us much more and make more of an impact.    These are the friendships we will hold most dear throughout our lives.

            How can you develop these special “insider” relationships?    Read my next blog for the How-To steps.

           

           

How To express Anger Without Being Called A Bitch - Part 2

By  Priscilla Wainwright

            Yesterday, we talked about “preparation” issues.    Today, let’s tackle the interaction itself.

            Here are a few ground-rules that will help keep things calm.

1.         Do your best to avoid having the discussion while either you or he is doing something else.    You want a discussion and undivided attention.    You might say something like, “There’s something on my mind I’d like to share with you.    Can we chat a couple of minutes?”

            If he’s not willing, at that moment, then make an “appointment” to discuss it later.    This gives you some prep time.    Not so bad, actually.

2.         Stay seated.    It’s harder to launch an attack from a seated position.    The conversation is a bit more likely to remain calmer.

3.         Maintain your normal tone of voice and volume if you can.    Stay calm.   One of the biggest things which sets us up to be called bitches is escalation.    Losing our cool actually weakens our position in men’s eyes.    Even though it will make him defensive, you also want him to remain calm.     So if you can keep your cool, he is more likely to remain calm as well.

4.         Avoid preaching or lecturing.   If you start that, he’ll turn off instantly.    “There you go again.” , he’ll think or say.    After all, he’s heard tons of lectures from his mama.   He doesn’t want another one from you.

5.         Don’t accuse him of anything if you can help it.   Finger-pointing and “you” messages (especially “you always” or “you never”) are sure to lead to verbal retaliation.

            These 5 tips are admittedly very difficult for most of us to consistently apply, especially if we’re really hurt, angry, or charged up.    Sometimes it’s very hard to get past the immediate desire to sock it to him.    We need to forego the urge to punish.   Remember, our task is to work it out if possible, not to make matters worse.

            Giving ourselves time to frame the discussion in our own minds first is a big advantage.

            When the time comes to have the discussion itself, speak in terms of your feelings and the impact of his behavior on you.    We call these “I” messages.    I-messages have the best chance of being heard.

            For example, “John, I’m worried.   When I’ve spoken to you lately, and you don’t answer, or give me short answers, it seems to be like you’re ignoring me.   That may not be your intent, but I can’t help it.    I wonder if there’s something wrong between us.”

            Here she’s talking about her concern.    She doesn’t accuse.    She just reports what she’s observed.    She’s careful to give him the benefit of the doubt with the comment, “that may not be your intent”.    She closes with her impression.   She’s careful not to jump to firm conclusions.

            This certainly beats “John, what’s with you?    You’ve been ignoring me lately.    Don’t you love me anymore?   All I do for you and you don’t appreciate a damn thing!”

            See how the tactic works?    What you want is a frank discussion where you encourage talking it out.   If you jump to conclusions, you pose him the impossible task of having to defend himself and convince you that you are wrong.

            What you really want is to lead him to a point of being willing to take corrective action.    Remember, guys like to fix things.   If you leave things open, hopefully he’ll want to help you solve your problem.      This will only happen if two conditions are met:   (a)   You leave his ego intact, and (b) you frame the conversation in a way that allows mutual, open-minded discussion.

            The possibilities for conflict are legion.    The world isn’t large enough, nor life long enough, to cite all the potential problems.    However, if you keep these basic principles and tips in mind, you will have much greater success in managing conflict and anger in ways that actually solve problems and strengthen your relationship.

            I know when we’re mad, we want to beat him down.    However true “victory” is only achieved when the problem has been successfully corrected, with your relationship intact.

How to Express Anger Without Being Called a Bitch (Part 1)

By Priscilla Wainwright

This is really a tough task for many of us for 2 basic reasons.

1.  Men typically have two internal negative responses to female anger.  They may feel, and maybe express, one or both of these:

       A.  They instantly become defensive (remember, the average guy fears women's anger.)

       B.  They don't take our anger seriously (which stems from fear and from seeing women as 

             "lesser".)

2.  If we have been angry frequently, we may be already seen as a "bitch". This label defines our character, the kind of person we are. If that's how our man sees us, he will go into defensive mode, or retaliate, at the slightest sniff of our anger.

So, sisters, if either of these reasons are true in your case, you have an uphill battle. However, there is hope.  

If you want to see change, you must change your tactics.  Here are some things to do that can help.

1.  Choose your battles.

So many women address every little thing that bugs them.  Remember, when women are stressed, our natural tendency is to talk.  That can sometimes get us into trouble.

Stop before reacting and assess the situation.  Is it severe, or just a minor frustration in the big scheme of things?  If it's the latter, while it may be hard to do, it may be best to blow it off and let it go. Save your anger for situations that really need to be discussed.

2.  Separate Impulse from Action

Don't go off half-cocked.  Take a few deep breaths, let yourself calm down and try to look at the situation realistically from all angles.  Give yourself time to assess it and think up a useful rather than a destructive response.

   

      (Sidebar:  1. Anger is a "secondary emotion". It has triggers: usually feelings of being hurt, betrayal, or being out of control. 2. The purpose of anger is to problem-solve, not punish.  Solve the root trigger and the anger goes away (unless you hang onto it.) Punish, and you make everything worse and harder to solve next time.)

3.  Explore your root feelings.

What are you feeling that led to your feeling angry? If hurt, about what and why?  Betrayed?  Not taken seriously? Ignored?  Disrespected?  Overlooked?  Like you don't count?

Identify your root feelings as clearly as you can. You will need to discuss them later.

4. Don't necessarily take it personally.

This may be hard to hear, sister, but it's not always about you.

The female brain is all about relationship. It's how we're made. Our brains naturally zero in on relationship cues in every interaction we have. We are constantly "taking the temperature" of our relationship as our interaction is occurring. If we sense that some thing is wrong, we can quickly jump to the conclusion that the other person has a problem with us or doesn't like us.

Just because our brains take us there as what I call a"brain default position", doesn't make that feeling or perception true. If women have a difficulty, it's that we frequently overpersonalize.

Try to step out of the situation that triggered your anger.  Try to be objective. was he doing the problem behavior to get back at, or to hurt, or to upset you?  was it really directed at you as a personal attack, or was it just careless, a slip-up, or something unintentional?

Clearly if it were meant to be a personal affront, a response is in order.  If his behavior falls into the "slip-up" or "unintentional category, your response, if any, will be different.  If you're feeling repeatedly overlooked or ignored, a discussion of your relationship is in order, but at a more opportune time when you both are quiet and have time.

5.  Understand "Guy-Think"

Girls are about "Relationship", guys are about "Action in the world".  They focus on doing. When they see a problem, they want to fix it. When guys act, they focus intently on the doing. Their focus narrows and they can be oblivious to what is going on around them.  Say he's working on the car all Saturday afternoon. Time flies and he's unaware.  He's thinking about the car. His mind isn't anywhere near playing with the kids or helping you with the laundry.  That's the way guys tend to think.  He's not necessarily intentionally ignoring you or the kids.

Guys care about relationships very much, but don't think about them in the same way that we do.  Unless, something is clearly going wrong in an interaction, men assume everything is OK and don't think about the relationship at all!

So... women can easily overpersonalize what goes on in an interaction. Men tend to underestimate the impact of their behavior on the relationship.  As I tell my clients, "Men are relatively unaware that the jet they're flying leaves a vapor trail."

So... he may not be ignoring you or caring less about you. He just may be thinking like a guy. So, if that's the case, he needs to understand you and his action's effect on you, not get a tongue lashing.

Bottom line:  Before responding, think these things through. To the best of your ability, determine what is really going on. Then and only then can you determine an effective response.

If you choose to respond, do it in a helpful way, in a manner that can heal and minimize hurt. That's where we'll go in tomorrow's blog.

Have a blessed day.

Caveat - Men, Women and Anger

By:  Priscilla Wainwright

WANNA HEAR A SECRET?

            I want to share a key fact that most people never think about, that does great harm to women.

            No, I’m not talking about spouse abuse nor violence toward women.   These are terrible things and must stop.

            What I’m writing about today is much more subtle.   It affects a women’s reputation and how she is seen.

            The Patriarchy (i.e., the Patriarchal culture, in whatever country it reigns) values men and women differently.    This is obvious.    What is not so obvious is that the lasting outcome of the expression of emotion by each gender is different, and pejorative to women (of course!).

            Now forgive me.   I’m going to wax very simplistic and perhaps stereotypic here for a  moment.    There are plenty of exceptions to the rule here, and any individual person or situation may be different.   But bear with me.   What I’m about to say is true for the middle of the bell-shaped curve.

            There are 4 basic feelings:    glad, sad, mad, and scared.    Each gender tends to express them differently.

            Now here’s where the Patriarchy comes in.

            Men are expected to express anger.    It is subtly associated with male power.   The traditional male trump card is physical violence.    When a man doesn’t get his way and escalates his anger, either verbally or physically, he more often gets his way.    Others’ “respect” for him may turn to “fear”, but he frequently prevails.    So guys learn that anger is a potent tool to have in their coping kit-bag.

            (sidebar – Society fears unbridled male anger.   Still over 70% of victims of male violence are other men.)

            Likewise, men are taught that it’s unmanly to express sadness or fear.   “Big boys don’t cry”, right?    To do so makes them (in the male ego’s view) look weak (or worse, “feminine”).    Also, the male brain under stress shuts down communication.

            For women, it’s different.   We are expected to express sadness and fear more openly.    Because women in general are more emotionally expressive, this more open expression is natural.    Also, the female brain under stress is more prone to talk.

            (sidebar – Because the Patriarchy sees these emotions as “weakness”, their expression is discouraged.    Therefore, the fact that we women express these feelings more has contributed to the cultural proclivity to see “feminine” as “weak”.)

            (sidebar -  Men fear women’s anger.    We fight with words and confrontation at an emotional level.    The average man is less verbal, and feels under-gunned in a fight with a woman.    His trump card is to come out swinging, but since most men are taught not to hit a woman, their ego stays hurt and men seethe.   Therefore, the Patriarchy, which serves the male ego, must suppress feminine anger at all costs.    Anger is “unladylike”.    This is a main reason for the conclusion I’m about to draw.)

            So…….men can express anger, but not sadness and fear.    Women can express sadness and fear, but not anger.

            Now, here’s the hurtful conclusion:

            Unless his anger is violent or habitual, when a man gets angry, he’s seen as “stressed”,  “losing his cool”, or “blowing his top”.    He’s viewed as “getting over it”, with no harm to his reputation.   (Men do typically blow off and get over it quickly, unless they have anger issues.)

            It’s different for a woman.    If she gets angry, it doesn’t take long for her to be labeled as a “bitch”.    This is about her character.   Once she’s labeled as a bitch, those around her come to expect her to become angry over certain things.    They become defensive, and are more ready to fight back when she becomes angry the next time, setting up more mutual anger and destruction.

            So, Sisters, word of warning.    It’s OK to be angry.    Many of us just need to learn how to express it in ways that don’t come back to hurt us.

            More on future blogs.

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