Growin' Up Female Aint For Sissies

By  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            I recently saw a poster of a trim, 90-something-looking woman in a swimsuit and bathing cap.    The slogan underneath read, “Getting Old Isn’t For Sissies”.   

            Well, neither is growing up female, periods and pregnancy aside.

            We live in a Patriarchal culture that is still full of mixed messages, double standards, and double binds for girls and women, in spite of how far we’ve come.

            Everything’s usually cool while we’re little girls.  We can be ourselves.    But as we approach double-digit age, the pressures begin and mount.

            Most of the pressures revolve around standards we have to meet to be pretty, sexy, and desirable to boys, men, and others.    The hurtful message at the root is that our worth is based on our performance and/or our appearance; that we are not “good enough” as we are.

            These messages not only undermine the very foundation of a girl’s self-esteem and self-worth.    They instill FEAR, SHAME, and UNCERTAINTY.    They also encourage UNFAIR COMPETITION:   “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”   

            God help the mirror if it gives the wrong answer.   But worse, God help the girl who asks!    The wrong answer can throw her into panic and into a relentless pursuit of a beauty standard that is impossible to attain, let alone sustain.   It can also destroy relationships to the degree that she becomes envious or jealous of any of her friends.

            What’s worse, the media is objectifying women and girls more and more heavily and at younger ages than ever before.   It frequently portrays us as cat-fighting, bimbo-bitches.    Remember Desperate Housewives and The Bachelor?    Well, it’s getting worse!

            Young girls are shown photo-shopped, perfect images that push the necessity of being beautiful and sexy to attract the best guys to virtually impossible levels.   The underlying message is that if you don’t measure up sexually, you’re a worthless loser.

            (I see this as an unspoken cultural backlash by the male-driven establishment against the equality and power that we women have so far achieved.)

            So here’s the bottom line:   The world-scene that the media presents to girls is that the world is one big meat-market.    Only looks count, and the ends justify the means.   It’s OK to compete and bully if you win.    Guys are the buyers and gals are the toys or objects d’arte on the shelves.

            And don’t think that only girls suffer!    These messages are hurtful to boys and men as well.    They teach males that females are inferior, and worthy of disrespect.

            Given all this, plus the alarming prevalence of abuse of women in all forms, from sexual abuse and human trafficking to belittling based on gender,  it’s easy to see why so many women basically see themselves as objects who exist to please others rather as persons in their own right.

            Add to all this our natural female tendency to over-accommodate and put others’ needs and desires ahead of our own, and you have a recipe for disempowerment, low self worth, and disgust with being female.

            If you’ve been abused, bullied, put down, and/or if you feel like a loser and worthless, is it any wonder you’d have a hard time seeing yourself as “Glorious solely by virtue of being female”?

            Well, ladies, we have a gargantuan task ahead of us – building female self-worth and inoculating girls and women against destructive cultural messages.    It starts one woman at a time.   Actually, it starts with YOU!

            The first step is:   Give yourself permission to explore and challenge the status quo, and create a new paradigm of self-respect, self-love, and self-nurturance for yourself and other women around you.

            Give yourself permission to love, embrace, cherish, and nourish your radiant self, just as you are, right now, this minute.

            Give yourself permission to let go of false attitudes and beliefs, and embrace the larger truth:     You are not only fine as the person you are but also radiant and glorious – just the way you are right now.    You are a Pearl of Great Price.    Your value and potential have no limits.

You are Beautiful!

You are Radiant!

You are Glorious!

You are WOMAN!

            Again, all this is easier said than done.    In my next Blog, we’ll lay out methods to help you love and accept yourself fully and grant yourself the worth you deserve.    

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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 Big Scarves for Christmas Sale going on NOW!

20% OFF the entire store now thru Sunday 11/24.

Buy NOW to ensure holiday delivery.

Discount Code - XMAS

PS -  Next week is Thanksgiving and I'll be on VACATION.  Look for my next Blog on Tues. Dec 3

Tigress Habit # 2 - Accept and Love Yourself As You Are

By  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            Self-Love is Habit 2, because it’s right up there with Authenticity if you want your Inner Tigress to truly flourish.    This not only includes your personality, talents, skills, etc., but also your body……and the fact that you are female!

            For many, this goes without saying.   But for many more, the fact of being female is a stumbling block.    Our Founding Principle is “Tigress, you are the most glorious of Nature’s creation, simply by virtue of being female”.

            Yet, far too many women have a very difficult time accepting this fact.   They perceive their femaleness has been the root of great pain.

            My best girlfriend grew up with an attitude of self-loathing.   In my coaching practice and Tigress Training Seminars, I have heard far too many women express similar sentiments.    Also, far too many women speak of feeling “invisible”.    Yes, that’s the word they use.   They have been so busy accommodating, posing, over-serving, or being too worried about being perfect, liked and approved of by others that they lost the sense of who they really are.

            While it seems we have many parts, the human being is truly an holistic entity.    All the “parts” interact, influence each other, and make up the uniqueness of who you are as a person.

            So, if you truly want to love “yourself”, you’ve gotta include the whole thing – gender, warts ad all.

            There is one attitude, however, that can complicate loving and accepting ourselves as we are.   That attitude is “perfectionism”.   We women, especially, tend to let imperfection stand in our way.    We tend to be self-critical, noticing every flaw.   (More on that in my next blog.)

            Face it, Ladies, there is no “perfect”.    It doesn’t exist in nature.    There is only “doing your best”.   That’s a different enterprise than “striving for perfection”.    If you do your best, you can, at some point, be satisfied.    If you strive for perfection, satisfaction – and the joy and peace that accompany it – will elude you every time.

            “Good enough” is a standard worth embracing.   At some point, we need to know when to stop and let ourselves be pleased.

            I’ll never forget my childhood girlfriend, Bernice’s, grandmother.   She was her family’s Holiday CEO.    She hosted all the family gatherings.   Her motto was, “A well-laid table is a thing of beauty and a joy forever”.     When setting the table, she would pull out a ruler.   She’d measure the drop of the cloth so it was uniform on all sides.   She’d measure the distance of the silver and glasses from the plates, the napkins from the edge of the table – everything – to 1/32^nd of an inch!    And, yes, the silver was polished to a mirror shine with never a fingerprint.

            She always got compliments on her table, but the instant people were seated, it got all messed up.   Inwardly she seethed.

            Another friend of mine spends 1 to 1 ½ hours on her hair and make-up every morning before leaving for work.   And when she’s done, she’s still dissatisfied.

            Here’s the point.    True self-love is joyous.   It knows when enough is enough and allows for satisfaction and joy in the outcome.

            But even at a more basic level – the healthy Tigress loves herself even when sweaty and sloppy, and when she burns the toast!

            Proper Tigress self-love is unconditional!    Yes, she may primp, pose, clean meticulously, etc.   But she does those things because they give her joy and satisfaction, not to prove anything, gain approval, nor to love herself more.    Her self-love is a given, independent of her personal appearance, style and standards. 

            The operative words of self-love are, “as you are”, warts and all.    You can love yourself and still weigh 300 pounds.    You can be joyous in spite of a pock-marked face or poor complexion, or in spite of disabilities.

            We women need to develop “the courage to be imperfect”.    This means accepting and loving yourself as you are.    If there are things about yourself you need to improve as a demonstration of self love, do so.    But don’t reserve your love and self-acceptance ‘til you’ve obtained the desired results.

            Love yourself NOW!   REGARDLESS!

            Sadly, this is easier said than done.   In my next Blog, we’ll explore some of the things that get in the way.

           

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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NEWS FLASH:    BIG PHOTO CONTEST coming on our ScarvesStyleand Glory Facebook page.   Watch for details in this blog and on our Facebook page.

Big Scarves for Christmas Sale going on NOW!

20% OFF the entire store now thru Sunday 11/24.

Buy NOW to ensure holiday delivery.

Discount Code - XMAS

How To Develop The Courage To Be Truly Authentic

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            Here is where the rubber meets the road.

            Thinking through and defining your true self is a powerful exercise.   It’s always important to look honestly in the mirror and take stock from time to time.   With all the pressures and demands upon us from family, work, and the culture we swim in, slipping off track in some areas is easy to do.

            For us women, this slippage away from our true selves can be particularly subtle and troublesome.   We are prone to over-serving, accommodating, and putting our own needs so far down the list that they frequently get lost altogether.   The result?  - burnout, fatigue and resentment……and guilt.

            Tigress, there is no guilt in taking yourself seriously, standing up for yourself, and commanding the respect you truly deserve.    There is no sin in saying “no” to overtaxing, excessive, or inappropriate demands or pressures…..no matter from whom or where they come.

            We train others how to treat us through how we treat ourselves.   So, having started the inner work on defining your true self, now it’s time to show it to your world.

            If you followed my last Blog, you started to consciously determine the changes you need to make.   Now is the time to put those changes into action.

            So often, I hear people say, “I have to develop the courage first”.    Well, I hate to disappoint you.    Waiting for courage is like waiting for Goudot.   Goudot never comes.   Courage typically does not precede action.   It accompanies it.   Courage grows as you act.

            You need the determination, drive, or jolt to get started.   Once you do, courage builds.

            Here are some ways to gain the initial confidence to get started if you feel you need a push.

1.         Think back to why you are taking action in the first place.    You want change.   Certain things became intolerable.   Don’t go there to revisit hurt, pain and resentment.   Use it to show yourself that vitalness of taking action, making positive moves in your own behalf, and taking back your power, etc.    Let the importance of being truly authentic sink in, Tigress.   You’re worth it!

2.         Get in touch with your Tigress power and energy.   Review the Power Statements and Affirmations you created around your authenticity. 

Also recall other times when you have risen to the occasion and successfully tackled and handled tough situations.   We all have power in reserve, beyond that which we’re now using.   Recalling that will help you take action now.  That’s part of what “Resilience” is all about.

3.         Practice visualizing yourself handling a potentially tough situation and bringing it to a healthy, successful conclusion.   Take a few moments to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths to relax.   Then, briefly, review your Power Statements in your mind.   Recite them to yourself.    Next, visualize a scene where you act authentically, perhaps, say “no”, or some other situation where you need to unswervingly stand by your truth.   Visualize this from beginning to end in as much detail as possible.    See yourself being cool, kind, and firm, handling it well, and brining it to a successful conclusion.   Let the scene fade, but carry with you the feelings of pride, power, and satisfaction that come with a job well done.

Your inner mind cannot tell fantasy from reality.    Therefore, every time you do this in your mind, it’s almost like having done it every time for real.    So practice often.    It will become much easier then to carry out that situation for real when the time comes.

4.         If you feel you need support, enlist a girlfriend’s help as an accountability partner, or get coaching.   I and other coaches can help you strategize, get going, and be successful.    I’m just an e-mail away if you want to chat.

            There you have it.   Using the above tools will get you started.

            If you’re experiencing a certain amount of fear, don’t worry.    Some fear always accompanies change, even positive change.    Don’t take the fear seriously.   It is a “brain default position”, and has no necessary basis in reality.    More on fear in future blogs.

            Plan your work, then work your plan.   Go for it, Tigress!

            You’re worth it!

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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NEWS FLASH:    My article on “ How to have the Clothes Talk with your daughters”

has been published in this week’s Simply Woman magazine.  Here’s the link:

 http://www.simplywoman.com/moms-how-to-have-the-clothes-talk-with-your-daughters/

How To Reclaim Your Authenticity - Part 2

BY:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

CONGRATULATIONS!   If you have completed the Total Body Authenticity Scan, or at least part of it, you will have gotten in touch with some aspects of our Unique Greater Truth.

So now what?   New information without new action is of limited value.    The task now is to integrate your new learning into your daily life.   How much integration and change is necessary is up to you, of course.

The FIRST step is to determine your Ideal Unique Authentic Self.    Try to visualize how this authentic self would feel/act in your current life situation.   How would she show up?   How would she deal with your challenges, your joys, your key relationships?

SECOND - If it is not apparent by now, determine your disconnects.    Where, in particular, does your current behavior “miss the mark” from your Ideal Tigress?   Try to spell out specific attitudes or behaviors that need to change to align with your greater truth.

Chances are quite good that you will have identified (A) boundaries issues, setting limits, including saying “no” more frequently, (B) self-care and nurturance, (C) speaking up more about opinions and issues important to you, and/or (D) assertiveness, standing up for yourself more firmly.

THIRD -  Assess the sources and nature of potential push-back.    If you try to change, those closest to you may resist.   They may react to not having as much service, or not “getting off so easily” if they disrespect you.    You will need to be prepared to deal with it, so “advance planning” will be helpful.

The amount and nature of push-back can vary from mild resistance to physical violence and the potential end of a relationship.    The point is, “forewarned is forearmed”.   You have what it takes, Tigress.    You can do it.    Nothing, nor no one, is more important to you than yourself, Honey.   No one will take you more seriously than you take yourself!!!!

FOURTH – Get into Power Center.   Write out a statement, description, or even a character sketch defining your authentic self.   Write out positive affirmations or power statements that describe your new self/actions; e.g., “I harbor no rage and take no crap.   I always speak my truth firmly but kindly.   I respect myself first and foremost, as well as others.   I put no head above my own and I show up from a position of power” and so forth.

Read your affirmations to yourself several times a day.    Follow this with visualizing yourself acting from your Power Center and being your truth through your actions.   Keep your authenticity top of mind.

FIFTH – Put structures in place for implementing the necessary changes.   Given the nature of your potential push-back, you may need to go slowly, implementing one change at a time, rather than making sweeping changes all at once.

Plan your work, then work your plan.   Determine the specific changes or actions you will take.   Get started.   Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see immediate change.   Keep at it.   The more you follow through, the easier it will become and the more results you will experience.   “Talent” has nothing to do with your success here.    It is consistency and persistence which will win the day.

In my next Blog, I will deal with how to develop the courage to get started.

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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NEWS FLASH:    My article on “ How to have the Clothes Talk with your daughters”

has been published in this week’s Simply Woman magazine.  Here’s the link:

 http://www.simplywoman.com/moms-how-to-have-the-clothes-talk-with-your-daughters/