Scarves Style and Glory: Tigress Habit # 3

By: Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

“She rises up full length and Strength to assert her rights and defend her loved ones. She owns whatever space she is in and feels totally right to be there. She respects the rights of others.”

Many people, not just women, are confused by “assertiveness”. However, women seem to have more trouble with it than men do on a daily basis, especially verbal assertiveness.

There are 3 basic interpersonal stances we can take toward others, both in words and action: Submissive Aggressive, and Assertive.

Submissive knuckles under, gives in, does not take appropriate action, outwardly agrees when she really doesn’t, sugar-coats to keep peace, allows crap to continue, allows herself to be walked over, says “I’m sorry” way too often, etc.

Aggressive storms through, bullies, calls names, insults, shames, belittles, gossips behind people’s backs, yells, screams, physically attacks, disrespects others verbally and/or in action, stonewalls, refuses to listen to reason or cooperate when appropriate, criticizes harshly, rebels, makes threats, etc.

Assertive is firm but kind, states her case without belittling, respects the needs, rights and dignity of others, stands up for herself appropriately without fighting unless absolutely necessary, refuses to back down when she’s right, stands her ground, will compromise when appropriate but will not self-sacrifice, etc.

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In short, Submissive retreats or acts one-down, Aggressive attacks or lords it over, Assertive is firm but respectful and treats others as equals . Here’s an example: Husband or boyfriend makes a criticism in a disparaging, belittling way: ”What’s wrong with you? You burnt the frigging toast for the third time this week! That’s pretty dumb!”

Submissive: “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder next time.”

Aggressive: “Shut up, Asshole! Get outta my face. You don’t like it? You

cook from now on.”

Assertive: “OK, I burnt the toast. I’ll have to be more careful next time. But

I don’t like your tone of voice and I don’t appreciate you putting

me down. I expect to be treated with respect.”

See the difference? Aggressive goes on the attack; she name-calls and threatens. Assertive responds to the criticism. Then tells him not to treat her disrespectfully. She deals with his behavior, leaving his personhood intact.

Critical to Assertiveness is how you manage anger.

Submissive typically stores it up and builds resentment over time. She rarely acts it out directly but can become increasingly passive-aggressive.

Aggressive is easily triggered, and has poor boundaries on herself. She spews and dumps it out. Yet she will harbor rage in spite of her dumping.

Assertive, by standing her ground, deals with the issue at hand. By so doing, she is more able to deflect anger. Therefore she does not carry as much resentment.

This leads to Tigress Habit #4, the topic of my next Blog. After that we will look at how to develop more positive assertiveness.

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