IDENTITY - How Do You Answer The 2 Defining Questions - Part 1

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

Identity is everything!   It’s the root of your self-image, self-esteem, and determines your sense of self-worth.   Every breath and aspect of life is lived through, and mediated by, your sense of your personal Identity.

The FIRST question is, “Who are you?”

This is much more than, “I’m’ _______________.”   Your identity is ultimately composed of 12 factors:   traits, habits, personality, likes, dislikes, skills, talents, beliefs, gender, physique, appearance, and formative experiences. 

            Your Identity is composed as well of 2 selves.   The first is your True Self, the Natural You with which you were born.    Your True Self is positive, authentic, loving, trusting, capable, courageous, playful.    It’s your Inner Tigress.   It is what it is, come what may.

            As you grow, others pin things on you, shaping your identity.   They include all manner of people – family, friends, bullies, school, religion, other institutions – the list goes on.    You learn to adapt, and perhaps your self has been wounded along the way.   Clearly, growing up in the Patriarchy shapes us as well, both male and female.   Identity is formed and shaped in community.

            To the degree that you have been wounded or have to adapt, your False Self is created.    It is your False Self that has developed your basic beliefs and biases about the world and your place in it, and who you are as a person.   Your False Self believes many inaccuracies and is the source of your worry, self-doubt, fears, dissatisfactions, and negative opinions about yourself, others, and the world.

            For most of us, the False Self (or “ego”) is dominant, while your True Self is confined to the shadows.   Yet, the False Self is full of distortions.   But since you believe and live according to them, you rarely call them into question.   The distortions are lies, but you hold them as “truth”.   Therefore, you continue to live in the pain, doubt, tentativeness, and limits which the False Self brings your way.

           

            The False Self (ego) buys into a Triple Error:

1.              Your worth is based upon your appearance and performance,

2.              You are not good enough as you are, and

3.              Your worth is relative to where others stand (which fosters comparison, competition, and self-hate or exaggerated self-importance).

The False Self buys into these errors, so therefore, it must create an Ego-Self-System to compensate.    It is through the False Self’s Self System and its filters that we engage with our world.

The True Self shows itself only when we are natural, in the moment, relaxed and at peace, spontaneous and joyous.   For most of us, those moments are all too rare.

Girlfriend, your True Self is your Inner Tigress, your Inner Feminine Spirit.    She wanders in your interior jungle, waiting to re-enter your soul and bless you with your innate Female Power and Peace.

There is, however, a Larger Universal Truth.    Your Inner Tigress knows and believes this truth, but your False Self keeps your Tigress in the distant shadows.

       The Tigress knows this truth intuitively.    She wants to liberate you, free you from your False Self’s chains, and open you to live into this truth as your DAILY NORM.

      So……….

      How can you reconnect with your Inner Tigress and embrace and live into The Universal Truth?

      First of all, how does a snake grow?   First, it must shed its old skin!

      That’s Step 1, Tigress!   Take off your mental/emotional corset!!   Let it all hang out, open to view and change.

      Step 2:   Hold the Universal Truth up as your mirror and example.   Challenge any belief or attitude that does not fit with that truth.

      Step 3:   Deeply look within.   Determine your True Self in light of this Truth.    Start defining your own Authenticity.   Live accordingly.

      Step 4:    Take charge of your life.   Set healthy boundaries on your actions and emotions.   Stop over-accommodating or over-serving.   Refuse to engage in any activities that would compromise your Authentic Truth.

      Step 5:   Start working on Self-Appreciation.   Get in touch with all your positive qualities and start determining yourself as the source of your self-worth, not others nor anything superficial or external.

            Now, Tigress, Who are you?

      That’s a lot for now, so I’m going to wrap up for today.  Next ime we’ll deal with Defining Question 2.

     

© 2014    Priscilla A. Wainwright - All rights reserved.

 

    

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Copyright 2014 – Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

           

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Read Your Tigress TRUTH Barometer

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

            We all have impulses hit us from time to time.    We face choices day by day of all kinds.   How do you decide?

            Your “Truth Barometer” is your understanding of your honest truth, what is right for you.    This assumes, however, that you know yourself well, what really works for or pleases you, and what doesn’t.   The more you truly know yourself, the more accurate your “Truth Barometer” will be, and the more you can trust it.   (Perhaps you can relate it to your “Moral Compass”, your true value system.)

            When faced with an important opportunity or choice, when sorting out the benefits, ask yourself “is this option truly right for me in the long run?, “Will I be really happy or satisfied with the outcome?”,   “Am I REALLY willing to do what it takes to implement this decision?”.

            Multi-level marketing is a prime example.    The vast majority of folks who get into those programs don’t last or succeed.    Why?   Frequently, they were so dazzled by the promise of $$$$ that they didn’t stop to evaluate whether the opportunity was a good fit for their interests, temperament, lifestyle, values, desires, time commitment, or whatever.

            By ignoring their “Truth Barometer”, they ended up wasting previous time and resources, and just experiencing frustration.   It’s usually not that the Opportunity was bogus.   It’s just that for some reasons the “fit” was not right.

            The same can be said for relationships.    For example, tons of girls and women are enticed by a guy with a “bad boy” mystique.    They find him exciting, and he very well may be so – on the surface.    The vast majority, once they get involved, get their hearts broken, or worse, abused.

            Sometimes we’re afraid to bring out the Truth Barometer.    We want to follow our impulses, and fear that a deeper analysis will spoil something for us.    Typically, we aren’t consciously aware of this fear.   Yet acting on it, we ignore the Truth Barometer and barrel ahead.    The Truth Barometer won’t spoil your fun.   It’ll save you from pain and frustration.

            How many decisions have you made, only to end up sad, disappointed, frustrated or hurt?   In how many cases, as you look back on it, would you have chosen differently had you pulled out your Truth Barometer?

            ‘Nuff said.

            Tigress, take the time to really become acquainted with your True Self, your honest desires, skills, talents, gifts, preferences, dislikes, limitations.   The larger and more balanced your understanding of yourself, the more robust and accurate your Truth Barometer will be.

            Ultimately, it all boils down to your ability to trust yourself to act properly in your own behalf.

            Spend the time and energy, Tigress.   You’re worth it!

Rise Up and Roar!!

           

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Copyright 2014 – Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

           

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The Assertive Foundation: The 5 Key Tigress Courages

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

            When we think of “Assertiveness”, we typically think of behavior, on a scale with “Submissiveness” and “Aggressiveness”.     However, Assertiveness goes much deeper.   Assertive behavior becomes more habitual and natural when we are solid on the root foundation.    When you are clear on that, assertiveness flows more naturally.

            The foundation for Assertiveness is Authenticity:   Living your truth, come what may.   If you really look more deeply, the people who have trouble being assertive are probably not living authentically.   They over-accommodate, or they have a chip on their shoulder, to name a couple of common behaviors.

            When you know yourself well and have figured out who you are and why you’re here, assertive behavior often just flows from that understanding.   Because it is more natural, such assertiveness is automatically more effective.

            There are 5 courages that stem from the knowledge and decision to live authentically.   The drive to live authentically will guide your behavior in these areas and help you rise to the challenges that each presents.

            The first, of course, is the courage to be the true you.    This is perhaps the toughest challenge you’ll face.   When you live your honest truth, you risk disapproval from some people.   You also risk misunderstanding and judgment.

            Many people, women in particular, fear displeasing others and losing approval.   Such fear is a deterrent to living fully honestly in some areas of your life.   When you bite the bullet and determine unashamedly to live your truth, your courage will build.

            The second is the courage to set appropriate limits, boundaries, and to say “no” consistently to things that would compromise those boundaries.    Here again, the fear of causing displeasure can hold you back.    But to not follow through on handling situations that would compromise your limits is to backslide into living inauthentically.   Here again, determination can fuel the courage you need to take action.

            The third is the courage to be imperfect.   In our beauty culture, there is no room for flaws.   Our “motivation” and “success” culture often confuses perfection and excellence.

            If you are lacking the courage to be imperfect, you may hold yourself back and block your forward movement.    You may find yourself waiting till you get it just right the first time.    The fact is that the greatest growth and strides come through trial and error, through development.    If you wait till you get it perfect, you will not grow.    You will never get off the ground.

            Fear of shame and criticism is the biggest deterrent in this area.   The antidote is to determine to do your best, act, and take your chances.    You may well find that the only person who demands perfection from you is you!

            The fourth is the courage to leave the shore and sail into uncharted waters in pursuit of your dreams.    Do you have inner yearnings, or burdens on your heart, that you really want to fulfill?    Many women do.    We women are about fostering, birthing.   What dreams do you wish to birth into reality?

            What are you waiting for?   The right opportunity?   Certainty?    A clear path?    A direct route?     Frequently, these are lacking.   If you wait, they may never come.    You need, again, to bite the bullet and act.    Start creating and put the structures in place to help you bring your dreams into reality.

            To sit on your dreams and not act is truly a form of inauthenticity.    You want to be intentionally and behaviorally congruent.   To sit and not act on your important concerns will just lead to increased self-dissatisfaction, and growing frustration, if not depression.

            The fifth is the courage to connect deeply with others.    I’m talking beyond just casual friendships, but deeper synergistic partnerships where you truly, mutually love, support and help each other.

            All the fears mentioned earlier can come to play here.    They can keep you isolated and disconnected from resources that could help you, and from the blessings and joys of having someone who will honor, value, and care for you – warts and all.

            If you reach out to some of the people you trust, you may well find that you touch them at a point of need in their lives as well.    Voila!    The mutual need may well blossom into a beautiful, supportive friendship.

            See Tigress, if all hangs together.   The 5 courages go with the territory when you truly determine to live authentically.    Authenticity ain’t for sissies, but it is the path and foundation of true freedom.

            Progress here is synergistic, by the way.    Improvement in one courage will make the others easier to tackle as well.

            Bite the Bullet!   Step out in faith in the Larger Truth that the Universe conspires to assist you to succeed and fulfill your purpose.   As the poet, Goethe, said, “When one truly commits, Providence moves too.    All sorts of resources come one’s way that no one could have anticipated.”

Go for it, Tigress!!!

Rise Up and ROAR!!

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Copyright 2014 – Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., C.P.C.

           

Also visit www.MyBigDiscountMall.com, 

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8 Keys To Effective Female Assertiveness

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            Look, Tigress.   Everything in life is directed and controlled by Mindset.    Assertiveness is no exception.   HOW EFFECTIVE you will be at asserting yourself depends on your belief about (A) your own worth and rights to have your way or state your case, (B) your degree of self confidence, (C) your relative power vs the other person(s) with whom you’re asserting yourself, and (D) the probability of a successful outcome.

            Sometimes in difficult situations, you may need to practice in advance, especially if being assertive is not your normal way.   Dottie Doormat needs to practice stepping up to the plate, while Betty Brash needs to work on toning down.   Remember:   The goal is to obtain willful cooperation; not win-lose.

            All that said, here are some essentials:

1.         COME FROM POWER.   Assume your worth and your right to your opinion and faith in your point of view.   Fear of rejection and disapproval is the biggest enemy of assertiveness.    If you are typically passive, you may not be taken seriously if you let those fears stand in your way.   Own your space and stay in charge.

2.         WATCH YOU TONE OF VOICE.   Be clear and forthright.   Breathe.   Use your big girl voice and speak with conviction in your voice.   After all, what you’re dealing with is important to you.   Be sure your voice conveys both that importance and your personal power.

Keep your tone calm and level with a moderate volume.   Do not raise your voice at the end of a sentence, nor sound angry.

3.         BALANCE FIRMNESS AND KINDNESS.   Show equal respect for yourself and the other person.   The point (and trick!) of assertiveness is making a firm case without making the other person defensive and/or angry.   You want to keep the interchange conversational and bring it to a successful conclusion.

Avoid name-calling, belittling, you-messages, and accusation at all costs!   (Betty B., this will be tough for you.   You gotta keep the reins on.)    Use “I-messages”.   Confront politely and caringly.   Keep anger in check.   (This is important for you, too, Dottie D. if you’re now at the point you want to explode!).    Let the other person maintain his or her ego and sense of worth.

4.         WATCH YOUR POSTURE AND FACIAL EXPRESSION.    Your non-verbals count as much (or even more) than your verbals in making your case successful.   This is particularly true if the other person knows you well and has a history with you, and if “assertiveness” is a departure from your normal pattern.

Non-verbals must match your tone and verbal presentations.   You must look like your talk, because if there is a mismatch, the other person will believe the non-verbals first.

Dottie D., stand up;  Betty B., sit down.   If sitting, sit upright or lean forward.   Do not lean back.    This is about energy control.

Be careful not to scowl.   Smile occasionally when appropriate.   Use appropriate gestures.   No finger-pointing.

5.         STATE YOUR CASE CLEARLY AND DIRECTLY.     We girls have a tendency to sometimes over-talk a situation and throw in too much detail or unnecessary verbiage.   This point is especially important if you’re talking with a guy.  Guys don’t always mean to do it, but they tend to tune out extraneous words.   Show them the big tree, not a jungle.   Extra words cloud the point, and he may miss it.   But this step is important when dealing with a woman also.   Don’t let your passion for your cause erupt into a verbal barrage.

6.          STICK TO YOUR GUNS.     Refuse to back down.  If you cave in, the other person may not take you seriously next time.  There are only 3 possible acceptable outcomes, and you know this going in.  (A)  You get your way,  (B)  You reach a compromise that is truly and honestly acceptable to you, or (C)  You agree to disagree.

There is actually a 4^th possible acceptable outcome:  in your conversation, you honestly see the other’s point of view and are willing to back off or change your position.  This is not caving in.  It is an honest recognition that maybe you were wrong or misinformed, or there is a better solution that you hadn’t recognized before.  There’s a big difference.

Whatever, you want to end on friendly terms if possible.

7.           USE THE  “BROKEN RECORD” TECHNIQUE IF NEED BE.     (Phonograph record, that is, for those of you who may not be old enough to remember what they were <…..>.)  You have your central point and you keep repeating it.  For an example, returning an item to a clerk in a store you is reluctant to refund your money:  “I want my money back!”  (clerk refuses) “Yes, but I want my money back!”  and so on.

The Broken Record Technique shows that you will not back down nor go away.  You state your point without undue explanation.  It is not appropriate for all situations, but very effective when it is appropriate.

8.          PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.    If assertiveness is a departure from your normal stance,  Practicing beforehand will help you becone believable and successful.

After all, it all comes back to attitude.  Practice will help you to develop and maintain an attitude that will promote your success.  Dottie, if you find it hard to speak up, or Betty, if you just can’t tone it down, coaching can help. Believe me, the benefits will far outweigh the time and energy involved.

Clearly, much more could be said about assertiveness.  However, following these steps will boost your credibility, improve your success, and perhaps help an important relationship to heal.

Rise up and ROAR, Tigress.

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Priscilla teaches assertiveness, both in private coaching and for groups.  Contact her at   pris@ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com.

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