Refuse to "Settle"

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            “Settling” is a dangerous disease that afflicts way too many women.   In fact, one could argue that it could be listed among women’s disorders.

            What is “settling”?  God bless you if you have to ask!  Too many of us already know.

            Broadly defined, settling is accepting something (or someone) less when you really want something more.   Maybe it’s a job, a relationship, or something else that is off-track from your main needs or desires.

            What have you “settled” for in the past?   Did what you settled for bring you peace, joy, freedom, truly closer to a particular someone, or what you were HOPING for?

            I’d bet NOT, at least not in the long run!

            Look, Tigress, here’s the real skinny.   Settling is like vanilla extract!   Open the bottle.   The aroma is pleasant.   Put a drop on your tongue.   Instant sweetness, but almost immediately the taste turns bitter!

            Settling is the “Path of Least Resistance”.  Even more, it’s going down a road which takes you farther and farther from your inner truth and desires.  It’s opting for the hamburger when down deep you want the filet mignon!

            Why do we do it?   Maybe we’re yielding to pressure from others we care about or fear.   Maybe we’re too caught up in pleasing or over-serving.   Maybe it’s just the easiest or most convenient choice.   Or maybe, there is an allure to the choice that promises a better lifestyle.

            On the surface, settling may not seem like such a big deal.   Dig deeper, and you’ll discover how insidious and destructive settling really is.

            First, the real reasons we settle are rooted in fear:  fear of displeasing, incurring anger, fear of failure, or even success, in a potential new venture.

            Sure, there’s always a certain amount of fear in any new venture, but a true Tigress accepts that and doesn’t let it hold her back.

            Settling is actually a slippery slope.   Once we do it, it gets easier every time.   It’s also erosive.   Little by little, it diminishes your inner truth and authenticity.   It erodes your self image and your personhood.   Keep it up, and you start living inauthentically.   You drift ever so slowly away from your true, authentic self that you may not notice the erosion is happening.  You end up living a lie.

            Sooner or later, you’ll wake up to that fact.   You’ll find lumps of dissatisfaction, disappointment and regret in your throat.   There may be the acid of anger in your stomach.   Perhaps anger at others, but ultimately at yourself for lacking courage.

            Are you facing such a choice right now?   If so, think twice.   If you suspect that you might be settling, then you probably are.   A little inner voice (perhaps your Inner Tigress) is warning you.   Think carefully and take that warning seriously.

            Determine your inner truth.   Who is the real, long-term, authentic you?   Is what you’re about to choose really in line with and supporting your Authentic Self?    Assess carefully.

            Muster the courage to be yourself.   If not settling leads you to challenges about which you are uncertain, get help, advice, or coaching.   There are plenty of resources around you.   If the student is ready, the teacher will come.  Get what you need, Tigress.   You need look no further than this Blog's recent posts to start.

            Here’s the bottom line – settling is selling out and selling yourself short!   It’s based on lack of confidence in your true strength and power.

            Muster your courage, Tigress.   Stand up for your Authentic Truth.   Refuse to be intimidated or to let bogus fear block you.

            Never, ever, ever, give up on yourself!

            Rise Up and Roar!

C. 2014, Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

Priscilla is a psychologist and empowerment, career, and destiny coach for women on the rise, based in Owings Mills, MD.  She works face to face and by phone so distance is no problem.  She is also founder of www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com   This unique site sells scarves, and offers free Style Tips, Style Coaching, Empowerment Coaching, and an online community, “Women of Style and Glory”.   She also owns www.MyBigDiscountMall.com, 49 major stores with 1 click, and great discounts!   Contact her at pris@ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com.

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BRAINSEX - How "Splitting and Blending" Can Impact Your Relationship

(Live workshop:  "BRAINSEX - The Neuropsychology of Female-Male Communication"

April 12,  8:30-11:30 AM,  St. Marks on the Hill,  1620 Reisterstown Rd., Pikesville, MD 21208.

We deal in a fun way with the Male-Female brain differences that affect communication, and give you new ways to communicate around these differences to help you better understand your guy, get greater respect and cooperation, and help relationships heal and grow stronger.   Ever want to really understand the other gender, and yourself?  Come if you're in the area.  For more info and to register online, go to

http://membershipbeta.com/holson/brain-sex-workshop/

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            Jane and Jim have been married a while, and the marriage is a fairly good one.    They do, however, have a few issues they argue over occasionally.

            Well, one night they had a nasty verbal fight.    No abuse, but it lasted longer than normal.   Finally, both ran out of steam.   Jane retreated to the bedroom, and Jim hung out in the den.    He grabbed the clicker and caught a football game in progress on TV.    He watched the game to the end.

            When it was over, he sat sulking on the couch.    “This sucks”, he told himself, and started to think of ways to make up to Jane.    Finally he hit on an idea.   He knew sex was always good between them, so he decided to approach Jane with that request.

            Jim goes upstairs, enters the bedroom and says, “Honey, Let’s make love”.    Jane glares at him and screams, “How can we make love right now?    We just had a fight a couple of hours ago!!”

            Now things are worse.   Jane feels used, thinking Jim just wants to get his rocks off at her expense.   Crestfallen and angry, Jim feels Jane just wants to keep the fight going on.

            Neither Jane’s nor Jim’s resulting assumptions are accurate.   What’s REALLY going on?

            It’s just that Jane is thinking like a typical girl, and Jim is thinking like the average guy.

            When it comes to processing reason and emotion, the male and female brains are structured and operate very differently internally.    While there are plenty of exceptions, what I’m about to describe fits the middle of the bell-shaped curve and is typical.

            Based on structure and hormonal activity, the brain guides our thinking and processing in ways of which we are not typically aware.    Female brains are likely to lead women in one direction, while male brains lead men in another.

            This is biology.   In my 40 years of doing couples work, I’ve seen men and women bump into each other in the same ways regardless of race, age, ethnicity, or cultural differences.    With the latest advances in neuroscience, we are now able to accurately explain these innate differences.

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            Let’s get back to Jane and Jim.    Jim is doing what I call “splitting”.    Jane is “blending”.  

            Men tend to live their lives in chapters.   When one chapter is over, guys can usually move to the next one with relative ease.   That’s over.   Now he’s onto something new.    In our story, Jim has three separate chapters going one after another:   fight, football, and attempt at making up.

            Women, on the other hand, tend to “blend”.   It’s like our whole book is one chapter.    And the overarching umbrella that ties it all together is Relationship.    So for us women, when there is a problem in a key relationship, we often hang onto it until it gets resolved somehow.

            Men typically separate chronological events.   That’s why Tommy and Billy can fight in the schoolyard Thursday afternoon and be best buds again Friday morning.   “The fight?    That was yesterday”.   Women will usually tie emotional chronological events together.

            This is why we so often complain, “Guys don’t get it”.    Not only are men disconnecting events, it’s also as if they process Reason in New York and Emotion in San Diego, with the connection between them being an unpaved dirt road.  “Splitting” also leads men to be less aware of, and underestimate, the consequences of their actions sometimes.

            Women on the other hand, process Reason in Minneapolis and Emotion in St. Paul, with the connection being an 18-lane super highway.   That’s why guys say “You keep hanging onto the past”.

            Yes, men process Reason and Emotion in brain areas which are architecturally distant.   Women process them in very contiguous brain areas.

            That’s why women say, “Men are out of touch with their feelings”, and men say women are “overemotional, irrational”.

            So……Jim wasn’t trying to take advantage of Jane, and Jane wasn’t really trying to keep the fight going, in spite of how it appeared.  It’s just that their brains were taking them in two different directions.   Jim was just being a guy:  Jane was just being a girl!

            I have found when coaching couples, that when they understand brain gender differences, their communication improves and unintentional fights significantly reduce in number and severity.     It’s not about “making excuses” for the other gender, but rather, if I know how your brain is leading you to react, I can suspend judgment and “taking it personally”, and move to understanding.

            In my live “Brainsex” workshop on April 12^th  in Pikesville, MD, I will spell out in Lay terms all the major differences between the female and male brains as they relate to relationships, skills, and tendencies.    For instance, why, when women are stressed, do we need to “vent” to our girlfriends, while guys under stress either want sex or “shut down”?    Why do guys so often get defensive when we just asked a simple question?

            The reasons lie in brain chemistry!    These are just a few of the questions I’ll answer.

            Better yet, I’ll give you new skills to help you bridge these differences when you talk to guys so you can be better understood and respected, and get greater cooperation.   I’ll have plenty of tips for guys as well.

            Career women – I’ll show you how to communicate to be more effective and taken more seriously in a male-oriented work environment.

            So….register today!    “Brainsex” always fills quickly.    Consider bringing your man, so you both will benefit.   Copious handouts will be provided. For more information and to register online at  http://membershipbeta.com/holson/brain-sex-workshop/

            “Brainsex” is also very useful in improving organizational relationships.    I will tailor it to your firm.    Contact me for details:  pris@scarvesstyleandglory.com, or by phone at 443-797-7794.

_______________________

Copyright Priscilla Wainwright 2014. This document may not be reproduced in any manner nor utilized for any purpose other than personal educational use without written permission of Dr. Wainwright.

FIND AND FULFILL YOUR DESTINY - Part 3: The 4 "P"s To Starting The Journey

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By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            As  you begin your transformation in Journey of a Lifetime, there are 4 “P’s” to keep in mind.   Continual attention to these will help you stay not only focused, but also sane and successful.  Ignore them at your peril!

1.     PLANNING

You wouldn’t go on vacation without prior planning, right?   Reservations, a packing list,

sights to see, etc.

Well, this journey is no different.

So many women have great intentions, only to fail because they rely on Dumb Ass Magical Thinking:  Somehow, it’ll all fall in place and happen by itself, it won’t!   You need to put the proper structures in place.

First, draw the map!   Where are you going?   What stops do you need to make on the way?   In what order?

If you identified specific resources and/or support in the 6 Questions, how and when will you acquire them?   Spell all this out.   Be careful to include everything you can think of, and revisit your list.

Does this sound like a Business or Marketing Plan?   Well, it is, after a fashion.

While the exercise of answering last post’s 6 Questions is a form of planning, it in itself is not complete.   You need to add the logistical component in order to be truly effective.

2.     PERSISTENCE

      Keep at it.   Peg away daily.   Do  at last one relevant, necessary activity every day,

Monday through Friday, in the service of your cause.   Commit yourself to this.   It may take time to see results.   You don’t want to lose drive in the process.

Slack up here and you could lose momentum, which is a critical emotional and behavioral component of your ultimate success.   Slacking can often lead to sloppiness, discouragement, and inconsistency of effort.   If your dream is really important to you, you want to keep Motivation and Momentum high.

3.     PATIENCE

     At first blush, this may sound like the opposite of Persistence.   Far from it, Patience is

Persistence’s handmaiden!

     Rome wasn’t built in a day.   One of my coaches told me when I was getting overwhelmed, “It’s like farming.   You sew daily seeds, but growth and harvest take time.   Farmers can’t force or speed the natural growth process”.

         That advice gave me a helpful longitudinal perspective.   I was getting impatient, and that led to struggling.   I had, as so many women do, pushed myself too hard, and was getting burned out.

          We women tend to be hard on ourselves.   We beat ourselves up if we aren’t constantly pushing or doing.

          By being deliberately patient (yet persistent) we give ourselves breathing space.  We allow time for our own development and refreshment along the way.

            Patience, then, actually helps us stay fresh, sharp, and focused.

            If you need to work at being patient, either at how you pace yourself, or when it comes to expecting results, do so.    The proper blend of Patience and Persistence is a life-saver!

4.     PLEASURE

      Make your dream fun!   Find ways to make a game out of onerous tasks that you can’t

delegate.   Keep your passion by making the journey joyful.

       Infuse some play into your daily activity if you can, or at least give yourself some pleasure time each day.    We all need some R&R, especially if we’re working hard.

          Also, keep that exciting vision of the final outcome before your eyes daily.   That will help bring excitement back into your enterprise and will help keep drive alive.

          If your work becomes daily drudgery, you’ll eventually get overwhelmed, burned out and give up.

            Your dream is supposed to be joyous, especially to you, it’s mother.

            So, Mom…..find (or create) Joy in the Journey!

            Go for it, Tigress!

            Rise Up and ROAR!

© 2014….Copyright by Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC