BRAINSEX - How "Splitting and Blending" Can Impact Your Relationship

(Live workshop:  "BRAINSEX - The Neuropsychology of Female-Male Communication"

April 12,  8:30-11:30 AM,  St. Marks on the Hill,  1620 Reisterstown Rd., Pikesville, MD 21208.

We deal in a fun way with the Male-Female brain differences that affect communication, and give you new ways to communicate around these differences to help you better understand your guy, get greater respect and cooperation, and help relationships heal and grow stronger.   Ever want to really understand the other gender, and yourself?  Come if you're in the area.  For more info and to register online, go to

http://membershipbeta.com/holson/brain-sex-workshop/

By:  Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            Jane and Jim have been married a while, and the marriage is a fairly good one.    They do, however, have a few issues they argue over occasionally.

            Well, one night they had a nasty verbal fight.    No abuse, but it lasted longer than normal.   Finally, both ran out of steam.   Jane retreated to the bedroom, and Jim hung out in the den.    He grabbed the clicker and caught a football game in progress on TV.    He watched the game to the end.

            When it was over, he sat sulking on the couch.    “This sucks”, he told himself, and started to think of ways to make up to Jane.    Finally he hit on an idea.   He knew sex was always good between them, so he decided to approach Jane with that request.

            Jim goes upstairs, enters the bedroom and says, “Honey, Let’s make love”.    Jane glares at him and screams, “How can we make love right now?    We just had a fight a couple of hours ago!!”

            Now things are worse.   Jane feels used, thinking Jim just wants to get his rocks off at her expense.   Crestfallen and angry, Jim feels Jane just wants to keep the fight going on.

            Neither Jane’s nor Jim’s resulting assumptions are accurate.   What’s REALLY going on?

            It’s just that Jane is thinking like a typical girl, and Jim is thinking like the average guy.

            When it comes to processing reason and emotion, the male and female brains are structured and operate very differently internally.    While there are plenty of exceptions, what I’m about to describe fits the middle of the bell-shaped curve and is typical.

            Based on structure and hormonal activity, the brain guides our thinking and processing in ways of which we are not typically aware.    Female brains are likely to lead women in one direction, while male brains lead men in another.

            This is biology.   In my 40 years of doing couples work, I’ve seen men and women bump into each other in the same ways regardless of race, age, ethnicity, or cultural differences.    With the latest advances in neuroscience, we are now able to accurately explain these innate differences.

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            Let’s get back to Jane and Jim.    Jim is doing what I call “splitting”.    Jane is “blending”.  

            Men tend to live their lives in chapters.   When one chapter is over, guys can usually move to the next one with relative ease.   That’s over.   Now he’s onto something new.    In our story, Jim has three separate chapters going one after another:   fight, football, and attempt at making up.

            Women, on the other hand, tend to “blend”.   It’s like our whole book is one chapter.    And the overarching umbrella that ties it all together is Relationship.    So for us women, when there is a problem in a key relationship, we often hang onto it until it gets resolved somehow.

            Men typically separate chronological events.   That’s why Tommy and Billy can fight in the schoolyard Thursday afternoon and be best buds again Friday morning.   “The fight?    That was yesterday”.   Women will usually tie emotional chronological events together.

            This is why we so often complain, “Guys don’t get it”.    Not only are men disconnecting events, it’s also as if they process Reason in New York and Emotion in San Diego, with the connection between them being an unpaved dirt road.  “Splitting” also leads men to be less aware of, and underestimate, the consequences of their actions sometimes.

            Women on the other hand, process Reason in Minneapolis and Emotion in St. Paul, with the connection being an 18-lane super highway.   That’s why guys say “You keep hanging onto the past”.

            Yes, men process Reason and Emotion in brain areas which are architecturally distant.   Women process them in very contiguous brain areas.

            That’s why women say, “Men are out of touch with their feelings”, and men say women are “overemotional, irrational”.

            So……Jim wasn’t trying to take advantage of Jane, and Jane wasn’t really trying to keep the fight going, in spite of how it appeared.  It’s just that their brains were taking them in two different directions.   Jim was just being a guy:  Jane was just being a girl!

            I have found when coaching couples, that when they understand brain gender differences, their communication improves and unintentional fights significantly reduce in number and severity.     It’s not about “making excuses” for the other gender, but rather, if I know how your brain is leading you to react, I can suspend judgment and “taking it personally”, and move to understanding.

            In my live “Brainsex” workshop on April 12^th  in Pikesville, MD, I will spell out in Lay terms all the major differences between the female and male brains as they relate to relationships, skills, and tendencies.    For instance, why, when women are stressed, do we need to “vent” to our girlfriends, while guys under stress either want sex or “shut down”?    Why do guys so often get defensive when we just asked a simple question?

            The reasons lie in brain chemistry!    These are just a few of the questions I’ll answer.

            Better yet, I’ll give you new skills to help you bridge these differences when you talk to guys so you can be better understood and respected, and get greater cooperation.   I’ll have plenty of tips for guys as well.

            Career women – I’ll show you how to communicate to be more effective and taken more seriously in a male-oriented work environment.

            So….register today!    “Brainsex” always fills quickly.    Consider bringing your man, so you both will benefit.   Copious handouts will be provided. For more information and to register online at  http://membershipbeta.com/holson/brain-sex-workshop/

            “Brainsex” is also very useful in improving organizational relationships.    I will tailor it to your firm.    Contact me for details:  pris@scarvesstyleandglory.com, or by phone at 443-797-7794.

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Copyright Priscilla Wainwright 2014. This document may not be reproduced in any manner nor utilized for any purpose other than personal educational use without written permission of Dr. Wainwright.