Tigress Habit # 4 - Harbor No Rage, Take No Crap

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            This is one of the most important Tigress Habits because of its implications.

            Central to carrying out this habit is a very critical truth many people fail to recognize, let alone understand.   That truth is that each of us is the co-creator of our experience at all times.

            This means that, no matter what happens to us, ultimately we have both responsibility and choice as to how we will interpret the situation and respond.

            Suppose, for example, someone does something horrible to us totally without any provocation on our part.    A natural response is to feel hurt, perhaps betrayed, and to feel like a victim.   “They did this awful thing to me.   I’m a victim.   I can’t help my response (or I feel justified in sulking or retaliating).”    This is the “I can’t help it” response.

            The well-developed Tigress recognizes that she is capable of choice regarding her response.   She knows that, while she cannot always control what happened to her, she can choose how she will view and cope with the situation.    While having been “victimized”, she can decide not to feel like a victim.    She is free to respond as she wills, including forgiving the perpetrator.    She writes the story she will create in her mind about the event.   We write the story first, then act according to our “script”.

            This means that she is free to have an appropriate response, and to let it go and move on, as opposed to dwelling and nursing resentment.  Granted, some situations will lead to hurt, feelings of betrayal, grief, and possibly guilt.  A severe situation will require a period of healing.  But the healing is faster and more complete and empowering when you own your choices.

            The key act you can do in order not to have sticky resentments and nursing anger is to “take no crap” in the first place.   By refusing to take crap, and appropriately standing up for and protecting yourself, you are less likely to retain anger.   

            Why?

            Because you will have met the situation head-on and handled it in a more effective manner.   Thus it will be, in most cases, done with, or at least, minimized.

            It is the ones who feel powerless – like a victim – who are most likely to dwell and nurse anger, hurt, or resentment.    Feeling helpless to cope, they seethe.   Such seething cannot only destroy relationships over time, but is dangerous to both your mental and physical health.    The stress of retained anger can weaken your immune system and promote a heart attack or other illness.

            By taking no crap and harboring no rage, you are empowered and able to write a story of power and victory rather than one of pain and victimization.   It is very freeing and esteem-boosting to know that you are the author of all your life’s stories.    As author, you determine the story’s outcome.

            Taking no crap and harboring no rage opens the door to your power in the face of adversity.   It is a life stance that you take now, and then act upon as difficult situations arise.    Resolving to take no crap and harbor no rage places you into a positive Tigress power center and gives you a direction for action.

            Go, Tigress!    Act > Let go > Forgive > Move on > Stay Free!

                       

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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Tigress Habit # 3 - Positive Assertiveness

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            “She rises up full length and Strength to assert her rights and defend her loved ones.   She owns whatever space she is in and feels totally right to be there.    She respects the rights of others.”

            Many people, not just women, are confused by “assertiveness”.    However, women seem to have more trouble with it than men do on a daily basis, especially verbal assertiveness.

            There are 3 basic interpersonal stances we can take toward others, both in words and action:  Submissive Aggressive, and Assertive.

            Submissive knuckles under, gives in, does not take appropriate action, outwardly agrees when she really doesn’t, sugar-coats to keep peace, allows crap to continue, allows herself  to be walked over, says “I’m sorry” way too often, etc.

            Aggressive storms through, bullies, calls names, insults, shames, belittles, gossips behind people’s backs, yells, screams, physically attacks, disrespects others verbally and/or in action, stonewalls, refuses to listen to reason or cooperate when appropriate, criticizes harshly, rebels, makes threats, etc.

            Assertive is firm but kind, states her case without belittling, respects the needs, rights and dignity of others, stands up for herself appropriately without fighting unless absolutely necessary, refuses to back down when she’s right, stands her ground, will compromise when appropriate but will not self-sacrifice, etc.

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            In short, Submissive retreats or acts one-down, Aggressive attacks or lords it over, Assertive is firm but respectful and treats others as equals .  Here’s an example:   Husband or boyfriend makes a criticism in a disparaging, belittling way: ”What’s wrong with you?   You burnt the frigging toast for the third time this week!   That’s pretty dumb!”

            Submissive:   “I’m sorry.   I’ll try harder next time.”

            Aggressive:  “Shut up, Asshole!   Get outta my face.   You don’t like it?   You

            cook from now on.”

            Assertive:   “OK, I burnt the toast.   I’ll have to be more careful next time.   But

          I don’t like your tone of voice and I don’t appreciate you putting

          me down.   I expect to be treated with respect.”

            See the difference?   Aggressive goes on the attack; she name-calls and threatens.    Assertive responds to the criticism.   Then tells him not to treat her disrespectfully.   She deals with his behavior, leaving his personhood intact.

            Critical to Assertiveness is how you manage anger.

            Submissive typically stores it up and builds resentment over time.   She rarely acts it out directly but can become increasingly passive-aggressive.

            Aggressive is easily triggered, and has poor boundaries on herself.   She spews and dumps it out.   Yet she will harbor rage in spite of her dumping.

            Assertive, by standing her ground, deals with the issue at hand.   By so doing, she is more able to deflect anger.   Therefore she does not carry as much resentment.

            This leads to Tigress Habit #4, the topic of my next Blog.    After that we will look at how to develop more positive assertiveness.

                       

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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5 Practices of Tigress Self-Love - Practice 5A : Kindness and Generosity

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            I originally thought of these as part of Practice 5, Connection.    And of course, they are.   But the more I thought about it, I’ve concluded kindness and generosity deserve special mention.

            Of course it goes without saying that kindness and generosity underlie and are an essential part of love of any kind.   They are implied by definition.

            Clearly, if you have been applying the Tigress Self Love practices, you will have been kind and generous to yourself.

            However, I want to bring kindness and generosity out of the shadow of implication and into the spotlight.   I also want to link them in a special way.

            It is very possible that Generosity can be practiced without kindness.    A person or company can be generous simply out of duty, or for a tax write-off.   While the donation may help others, such generosity is soul-empty.   I’m not suggesting that such generosity be stopped.    Far from it.   The world’s needs are great.   Rather I would wish generosity to come from genuine caring and compassion.

            I have also seen kindness be displayed without generosity.   People may be kind in their interactions, but “cheap” when it comes to generosity, not only of money, but of time and talent as well.

            But the real truth is, if I limit my Generosity unduly, I am also limiting my Kindness.

            Clearly, one can only give so much.   There are appropriate limits to giving.   True Generosity, however, is a matter of Spirit, not just of time and/or treasure.   The task is the development of a generous heart.

            St. Paul ends his famous “Love Chapter  (1^st Corinthians 13) with “Faith, hope, and love, these three.   But the greatest of these is love.”   The King James Version of the New Testament translates St. Paul’s word for love, “agape”, as “charity”.    This is closer to the true meaning.    The word “Agape” in Greek is an action verb.    It means doing acts of love, not just having warm, caring feelings.

            Now….How does all this connect with Self-Love?

            Intimately!!!

            Repeated studies have shown that people who practice altruism are in fact happier.   The connection between personal happiness and generosity towards others is powerful and direct.

            Donating, giving of our time and talent and “random acts of kindness” such as giving a compliment to a stranger, or holding a door open for someone else actually boosts our happiness quotient.

            Think about it.   How did you feel when you did a small random act of kindness for someone else?   I’d bet you felt a little tinge of joy or satisfaction.  How about when you truly gave of yourself or your funds?

            I’m not advocating “giving ‘til it hurts”.   That can destroy happiness, especially if we feel we must do it out of duty.   It can also be a recipe for burnout.   Over-serving is a bad habit too many women have fallen into.

            But with appropriate boundaries, Generosity is a great happiness booster.   As such, it rounds out Tigress Self-Love.

            By appropriately, consciously looking for ways to demonstrate Kindness and Generosity to others, we are nurturing ourselves as well.    We are perhaps giving ourselves one of the greatest gifts.

            Spirit-filled Generosity and Self Love are truly cyclical.

           

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

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5 Practices of Tigress Self-Love - Part 4 : The Daily Joys

5 PRACTICES OF TIGRESS SELF-LOVE – PART 4

THE DAILY JOYS  (FINAL)

By:   Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

            You’ve noticed that the first 4 practices are all ongoing.   Their joy and satisfaction build as you progress.

            Now let me drop this concept into the mix:   Self-Love includes not putting others’ heads higher than your own!    You give others their due respect, honor, and love, but as equals with you.    You refuse to be deferent.   Neither do you put your head above theirs.   We co-exist best and most smoothly and happily in a context of equality.

            Which brings us to our next and last of the 5 Tigress Self-Love Practices:

            5.         CONNECTION

            John Donne wrote, “No man (or woman) is an island”.    The Beatles sang, “We get by with a little help from our friends”.

            We women know this intuitively.   The female brain is actually constructed neurologically and hormonally for relationship.   It’s what we do.   (Men’s brains are built for action in the world, BTW.   But more on this in future blogs.)

            How well are we doing it?

            Good, mutually beneficial friendships are one of the life’s greatest joys.   They comfort us in times of pain, support us when we feel weak or uncertain, lift and inspire us when we feel down, kick us in the pants sometimes if we need to get moving.   And, hopefully, we do the same for our friends when necessary.

            While we rarely think about it this way, good friends validate us.   They honor, love and respect us.   They enjoy our company, and vice versa.   They support our self-worth, and, they can be our safe port in a storm.

            Practice 5, then, means nurturing and developing our friendships.    So often we can get so busy that we let relationships slide.   It’s easy in our hectic world to take them for granted.    Of course, we don’t mean for that to happen, but it can and often does.   Certain friends slip off our radar.      

            Have you ever felt forgotten by a friend who hasn’t contacted you?    Not a pleasant feeling, right?   How do you feel toward that person?

            The Patriarchy also teaches us the value of “independence”.    It values personal over group achievement, and actually reinforces isolation.   I’ve found many business women slip into that mindset, especially if they are looking to rise in their careers.   This can get lonely after awhile.

            So…..where are you regarding your friends?    Do you have good, mutually supportive friendships with people you can trust?

            Now, of course, these supportive friendships  can include family.    When I was growing up, I was very close to my cousin, Paul.   He was a guy, but he was caring and sensitive, and we could talk about anything.   He frequently would say, “Pris, you can’t possibly offend me, no matter what you say”.   And he meant it; and I felt the same way toward him.    We could confront each other, sometimes pointedly, but we each knew that we were loved and the comment, sharp as it might be, was said in love and was meant to help, not hurt.

            I also once saw a T-shirt that said, “Sisters by blood, friends by choice”.    Same idea.

            Sometimes, however, better friendships are found outside the family.    Blood ties alone are, sadly, no guarantee of love, caring, and support.   So, here’s the bottom line:

            Assess your friendships carefully.    Which ones are particularly close?   Ask yourself why.   Look closely at the level of closeness, and what purposes you serve each other.   How mutual is the relationship?    What are you each getting and giving?    Have some of your friendships lost their zest or value?    By any chance are you engaging in any friendships that are one-sided or actually draining?    If so, you may need to have a discussion about the balance between you both, or maybe cut it off.

            I expect that assessment will be revealing, perhaps startling in some ways.   Determine which of your relationships are the most mutually beneficial and satisfying.   Work out a plan to nurture those particular friendships more.

            By any chance, are you into deep relationships with certain family members that are not satisfying, or maybe even hurtful?    Are you staying in them because those people are “family”, and/or because of certain family “rules”, “duties”, or expectations?

            If so, rethink your involvement.   You don’t want to let duty continually drain you.    Consider setting some boundaries here.   Or, if the relationship is too heavy, maybe you need to jettison it.    Look.   I can’t tell you what to do here.  All I’m saying is, consider the Self-Love  implications and care for yourself well and reasonably.    We all have to make accommodations in life and handle unpleasant responsibilities on occasion.   What are you willing and able to undertake and how far will you let yourself by stretched?

            Again, mutually satisfying friendships are one of life’s greatest joys and pick-me-ups.   Those who truly love themselves are often the best friends because they radiate life and positivity, and help their friends do so, too.

            Well, Tigress, there you have the 5 Tigress Self-Love Practices.    These 5 are hardly all the options there are.   What the 5 are, however, are “categories” to be examined and developed.    What you choose to do in any of the categories is up to you.

            Let me reiterate.   Doing things alone will not fully develop Self-Love.   But they help because they enable you to focus on YOU in positive and healthy ways, and become habits which bring you greater joy.

            Attitude without Action goes nowhere.   If you want improvement in any area, changes in the status quo must be made.   If you act on these practices, you will move forward in a healthy way.

            RISE UP AND ROAR, TIGRESS!

Copyright 2013 Priscilla Wainwright. All rights reserved.

______________________________________

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